Monday, April 27, 2015

Men should not have long hair!!!

but the song is just too good not to post it here

take the video like as if it was some bad parody video

the song is AAAAHHHHHmazing

Machine Head - Locust



:)

loooooove it

-"I'm Estonian Russian" -"Oh!"

and thats how our love story ended :)))

was my last day before my holidays and one man in metro was trying to introduce himself by saying "you look like a soldier, but in a good way"

well

I WAAAS WEEEEARING A DREEEEEESS

:)

but it was not the first time somebody tells me I look like a soldier

I guess faux leather boots, jacket and dress do their job

:)

nevertheless when he asked me where I am from I said I am Estonian Russian and that was all:)

because, you know

I'm Estonian who takes the jobs from Finns and also I'm Russian who is spying and planning to get the land

:)

Double Enemy Jana

The Evil J

nay

I'm awesome:)

I have a man on my job, who I, for some hardly explained reasons, like a lot and it was hard in the summer when he was working with us and all that Russian-Ukrainian conflict started to expand very fast and he was sitting in the room saying that Estonians steal their jobs and Russians wanna invade Finland

that was hard to hear being Estonian Russian as I am, understanding that We are never gonna happen

but well

I still like him and he has a code name Blondie :)

maybe one day Finnish people will not be afraid of me so much

Estonians and Russian are very different nations and I happened to be both in one

lately I started to feel more like a Russian

most likely because the media blame Russians for everything now and my Russian Siberian blood started boiling
Russians are slow to mount, but ride fast
that old saying explains Russian soul perfectly:)

we know how to wait

we have patience

but once we had awakened, we explode

and every war conflict with Russians is pretty much the same

it all started when Ukraine had billions of debt for not paying for Russian gas

Russia had told once, had not got any money back, told twice, still nothing, and then arranged voting in Crimea and took the land
Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you.
nations tend to forget that

they misunderstand being patient with being weak and they react surprised, when Russia reacts

I still do not approve what Russians did in Ukraine

but

deep down inside me

I understand why they did that



and maybe I will always be double enemy in Finland

but I will never hide my both nationalities:)

sorry, Blondie, I'm not a Finn, but I still like you:)

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Supraorbital notch (foramen)

thats an interesting name for a post, is not it?

:)

enough being bag of sad crap, I am going back to eating information like a hungry woman

one of my friends told me when we were in an Asian restaurant and were watching menu "Do you know some chinese words, because with all of the weird information that you have, I am sure you know some"

and indeed she knows me well:)

I know how to write one chinese word: Wan

okay

it is a name, not a word-word:)

how do I know it? well, because I am using google translate to translate one of the chinese e-books that I have

so far there are mostly tons of communist words making no sense for me whatsoever

:)

back to supraorbital notch (spelling check does not know this word, and I know now:)

magic mystery thing

not at all

it is what we all have, but most likely had not heard about it

let me introduce you to the new way of meaning "I had no idea I have those"

meet supraorbital notch

whaaaat

I knooooow

and if you are like me, then you were sure, that you know your body well

surprise, surprise

we don't know it

now try to find those on your scull

they are there and you can feel it, if you push your finger hard enough

I found mine, and now I can't stop thinking that I have holes in my scull and it is not perfect and never had been

and they are right there every time you look at the mirror

eeeevery single tiiiime

and you never noticed it

because you were not looking for it

like in life, we see only what we want to see

and life in much larger than this

enough drowning in emotions, you don't even know your physical body yet

:)

but now you know about supraorbital notch

and stop touching it!

:)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Sometimes I just wanna close my eyes

and pretend I don't exist

and erase all of the bad memories

all of the bad things I had said and done

crawl under the blanket and stay motionless and emotionless

just be a piece of breathing meat

for a while

but I can't

and believe me, I tried

but all I can do is to learn from my mistakes

and sing some lovely song about every bad event leading to the good one



Everything is gonna be fine

Who are the bad ones then?

Are you a good person?

of course you are

and all of your friends are

and the closest bad person you know is most likely the friend of the friend of your friend

I always state I am not a good person

I am 100% sure I can kill a man and I will, if circumstances need doing that

I am asking you are you a good one, because I saw couple of TV news programs where they discuss tragedies

and there were the participants of the events

lets say

a fire in a nightclub

and people were saying, that "I panicked, so I run, and there were people under my feet and I run and I run on them, because I needed to be safe, because my family needs me and we are going to sue a club owner for gazillion dollars, because the fire system did not work well"

it is hypothetical situation, made of some real ones

I never understood that, you panicked, you run, you killed somebody (running on a lying person won't make that person happy) and you sit there blaming others

yes

suggested club owner was wrong

and he deserves jail time

but don't you just sit there being all that heroish, while knowing you were the part of that mess and now you are all such a good person being dragged into bad environment

people always panic

it is the way you deal with your panic attack

I am not afraid to die, so I don't care about saving my ass and dignity is important to me

I would rather die, than be in a mess of running people desperately trying to get out

and it is not some silly words, it is how I indeed would react

and I am the bad person

and maybe selfish

maybe when I have kids I would look at it differently

but as for now

I am asking

Who are the bad ones, if everybody think they are the good ones?

Monday, April 20, 2015

I wanna have my own family

that came unexpected

:)

but on the way home I realized that I want my own family

my home to create and decorate

my man to love

and

aaaaaand

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand

possibly kids to take care of

I knoooooow

I never wanted to have kids

NEVER

but something changed inside of me

and I wanna have my own family now

and it is not like a "I wanna", but a definite "I'm gonna"

:)

Sunday, April 5, 2015

What Rihanna had seen

in her life

that from being a nice girl having fun in some night club with her girls



she turned into a girl, who looks like a girl, but who acts like a man, and treats her girls like prostitutes



does money change person so much, that she started putting herself on the pedestal and treating other girls like whores?

because, oh, I'm so rich and everybody loves me kind of thing?

with all of my heart, I do not understand why women love her so much

I, personally, think that maybe Rihanna saw how other girls act and decided that every girl is a tramp, unless she is rich

and maybe she saw what girls are ready to do for an extra money

maybe she decided, that every girl is a money whore and all you need to do is just to pay the right price

well, honey

you should think about changing your circle of friends then

because if you would appear looking like that and acting like that in my family, well, lets say, we will have a discussion about why is it not appropriate to act like a slave owner even with all of the extra money you have and how throwing those kind of money on naked girls in the clubs help pimps to expand their business and rehabilitation clinics' increasing number of new patients

you can buy attention with money

you can buy songs and music with money

you can buy the style

but you can't buy the dignity

although, I'm sure she has a core in herself, but for public image she decided to turn into somebody rotten

it is a little bit sad

This music makes me feel uncomfortable

Twenty one pilots - Fairly Local

gives me chills

thats how I imagine a crazy person would act and sing



that young man should try acting if he is not doing it already

creeeeeeeeeeepppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyy video

and music

and words

makes me feel weird

but you probably had already understood that I looooooooove it

And then there is Hamlet

first there was a Danish flag

then my parents added their candlesticks (my dad made that thing)

and in the end my niece threw there my own "look-at-me-I'm-the-King-now" crown

and there it goes

I have my own Hamlet's corner on my cabinet

is it the time to reread Shakespeare?

I cry every single day

when I'm in Finland

and I have absolutely no idea why

but I'm crying when I'm going to work

sometimes I'm crying when I am at work (sorry for my red eyes)

I'm crying when I'm going back to the place I live (still can't name it "home")

last time I was crying in the train and it was hard to explain to ticket person that everything is fine and I'm just crying for no obvious reason

it is hard for me to concentrate on anything

besides how not to cry a river while at work

I do not understand really why

it is not lack of vitamins, because I take a lot of them

it is not lack of social activities, because I had never been a social person

it is not the absence of my soulmate, because I had always been single

it is not the fact that I hate my job, because I find it appropriately good (could had written "amazing" if not the size of my salary, that thing is definitely not good)

I have a lot to complain about, but those are not the things that make me cry, because I had always been dealing with it

but for the last two weeks I just wanna crawl under my blanket and stay there for months

I guess I finally broke down completely

failed at every aspect of my life

without really noticing it

but well

it is temporary

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Can a song, that you love right now, tell people how you feel?

I think so

but not sure

my song for the last 4 days is Emil Bulls - Sacrifice to Venus

I did not find a normal video, so here is a link where you can listen to it

just press the play button on the left side of Sacrifice to Venus song

it has some, lets say, disturbing lyrics

:)

I still love it

Let's get it straight from the start
I'm gonna break your heart
Tear it apart like a bloodthirsty shark
The never ending struggle against
Unwillingness and stupidity
Has taken all my wartime dignity

I am not a poet, I'm a drunk with a pen
The words it puts on paper
Are on fire with hate
Thank god drunkenness can be sobered
But stupid lasts forever
Now I will show you the meaning of forever
The friend in me awoke from sleep
I pray the beast my soul to keep
My heart is a tomb
What's dead may never die
This is the time to erase and rewind

You can never fuck,
Never suck my pride out of my penis
I leave you dying away
My sacrifice to venus

You can never fuck,
Never suck my pride out of my penis
I leave you dying away
My sacrifice to venus
Dying away my sacrifice to venus

Don't you cry, don't you cry me a river
Don't you think I deserve something bigger
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed me an ocean
Of love, lust and devotion

Don't you cry, don't you cry me a river
Don't you think I deserve something bigger
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed me an ocean
Of love, lust and devotion

I'm gonna settle this once and for all
Before I fall apart
And collapse like a house of cards
My future life will never know
You existed at all
I'll wipe you out
Like an cannon ball

I'm not a saint, I am beyond the sinner
Tragedy is the only winner
There's no peace without war
There's no love without drama
In the end we all suck the cock of karma
The friend in me awoke from sleep
I pray the beast my soul to keep
My heart is a tomb
What's dead may never die
This is the time to erase and rewind

You can never fuck,
Never suck my pride out of my penis
I leave you dying away
My sacrifice to venus

You can never fuck,
Never suck my pride out of my penis
I leave you dying away
My sacrifice to venus
Dying away my sacrifice to venus

Don't you cry, don't you cry me a river
Don't you think I deserve something bigger
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed me an ocean
Of love, lust and devotion

Don't you cry, don't you cry me a river
Don't you think I deserve something bigger
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed me an ocean
Of love, lust and devotion

Fucking bleed, fucking bleed
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed
An Ocean

I'll rip your heart out and feed it to the fire
I'll watch you burn
Watch it burn

Don't you cry, don't you cry me a river
Don't you think I deserve something bigger
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed me an ocean
Of love, lust and devotion

Don't you cry, don't you cry me a river
Don't you think I deserve something bigger
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed me an ocean
Of love, lust and devotion

Don't you cry, don't you cry me a river
Don't you think I deserve something bigger
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed me an ocean
Of love, lust and devotion

Don't you cry, don't you cry me a river
Don't you think I deserve something bigger
Fucking bleed, fucking bleed me an ocean
Of love, lust and devotion

Fucking bleed
An ocean

Why all good men are married?

we had crazy 1,5 weeks on the work

both team leaders were out and we were working all by ourselves

reality check is always good

the first thing I asked from my colleague when he got back, what do I need to measure and what I don't need to

because we measured hell of a lot of non needed pipes:)

also I kinda understand now how to draw those final drawings

it takes eternity to draw what my boss draws in 5 minutes, but I'm still learning:)

I had 4 partners during this week

two of them was the bosses of my boss and although they did not know what to measure, we managed to measure all the things (I was climbing in the pipes and must I say, even though I am princess, I liked it a lot:)

the third one is a guy who worked with us for 4 months already and I am writing it here, because everybody know how I feel about him because I never hide it

he asked me...how to show a hatch

A HATCH!!!

THE ROUND HATCH!!!!

oh, I don't know

transform it into square and show me the corners

like coooome ooooooon

dear surveyors, how else can you show a round object with known diameter, from the center, obviously:)

and the fourth one stole my heart

he loves hockey a lot

or should I say

he LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES hockey a lot:)

it was pure pleasure to work with him, he has a lot of good stories to tell, a lot of jokes to laugh, a lot of new information to learn

I had not felt that in a while, but he is that kind of man, with whom I feel connected, safe and protected

like if i knew him for ten years, not 4 days

and it was a good feeling:)

but being good man like he is, he is married

lucky woman his wife is:)

but that man gave me hope, that somewhere there is my free man:)

who makes me feel like that:)

those were the best days of March

thank you!

The hockey season is over

for both of my teams

and if for Columbus Blue Jackets not getting to the playoffs was a slight disappointment

for Espoo Blues making to the playoffs when we were one of the worst teams in the league was quite an achievement

I was on our last game

and like always, I thought my guys played like hockey Gods

they have same style like Columbus does

I call it "elegant hockey"

you can see the hundreds of combinations played, not like hit-and-run kind of hockey

nope

we don't organize group meeting next to the net just to tuck that puck in the way you tuck a blanket

we play the puck like we play the blues

knowing the rules, the moves, the combinations, but with the improvisations

and I like it that way

even though we will lose to those hit-and-run kind of teams most of the time

at least we played a good hockey

:)

Thank you, Columbus Blue Jackets, for this season full of injured players, we did the best we can

Thank you, Espoo Blues, for this season full of hopes, miracles and beautiful mathematical hockey!

We Will Win!


10 euros a day

is my new budget

due to unforeseen obstacles I got only somewhat around 55% of my salary this month (I still don't really understand why I need to do all the talks in the tax office, when company has an employee who gets paid by doing this kind of job, nonsense)

after paying all my bills (except for mobile internet, but I will pay it too since I need it) I have 350 euros left for living for a whole month in such an expensive city

don't get me wrong

I do understand, that 10 a day is not bad at all

but I am spoiled little brat

for me it is almost nothing

so now I created Excel in my phone, where I keep tracking my finances

today I spent 48 cents more than I was allowed

my niece made a nice remark "But you always wanted to try living like a homeless person"

Indeed I wanted

so I guess it is like a dream come true

I'm not homeless

but this month I consider myself being poor

on the other hand, this will teach me a lesson, how to spend less

thinking positive:)

it is a challenge for me

but it is also an adventure

tomorrow I will buy french fries on the ship (that would be 5.50 with a drink and I for some reason aaaalways eat on the ship) and I will have 4.50 left on that day and since I don't have to buy anything when I'm home (thanks parents!!!) that means the day after tomorrow I will have 14.50, see, everything is easy:)

I just need to be really careful with what I need

rearranging needs

nevertheless, not cool, money lady from the company, not cool

:)

It is good, that I have solid amount of make up and shampoos :)

It is an adventure!!!

*still thinking about getting second job