Thursday, February 26, 2015

I feel stupid now

I need to find a way to turn off my zombie mode, because I do feel like a stupid person

like my brain is no longer functioning

just being on stand by

and I don't like that at all

I don't want to become another one in the great family of zombie people world


I need to take some classes to speed up my brain

even though I do understand, that the smarter I get, the less men there are for me

but then again

I don't need a lot

just One


the quest for new knowledge begins now!


Hello, World! Did you miss me?

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Backstrom stole my heart

you know you are hopeless, when you like the most offensive detective:)

thats my stage now

liking super honest guys who tell you how it is even though you will be sad when you hear it


meet Everett Backstrom

and you know what

even though he looks bad, acts bad (his professional acting is perfect, I'm talking about his actions in the movie) and says a lot of offensive jokes, he is brutally honest (when he is not lying to defend himself :))) with you

and in the world where people are too afraid to actually say what they mean, this quality is very rare and very attractive, so attractive, that you don't even care about the fact that he will destroy your life:)

go, Backstrom! The last intolerant character on TV


and he has his vulnerable side too, and it is very sweet

Wanna know how to wake up easily?

buy the most ugliest and uncomfortable bedding set that you see

I had one cheap one from Ikea and it felt like it scratches my skin, aaaand the pillow cases were too big for my pillow (even though I used the right size)

for the time that I have that set I woke up right after alarm clock and never felt asleep during the day

now I changed it back to my favorite one and I sleep like on a cloud surrounded by comfort

aaaaaaaaaaand I can't wake up in the morning

aaaaaaaaaaaand I sleep at least two hours after I get home from work

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I want to switch back to the ugly one, because it is sooooooooooo hard to get out of the bed if it is so beautiful and comfortable

there you go

a useful lesson from Jana

leave the good bedding set for weekends


Sunday, February 22, 2015

If you have a broken heart, I have a perfect ringtone for you

the song is exactly what I like

consists out of absolutely different parts (well d'ooooh, it is called Medley for a reason)

the first one made me laugh so hard, that I will, indeed, put the beginning of the song as a ringtone to the men who lied to me


here is the song

Nomy - Medley

but then suddenly it tuns into serious songs and you just sit there and you actually catch every word

like the best songs of Nomy in one song:)

and it feels so natural, that without really listening to the lyrics you would not understand that song includes parts of different songs


it is official song, though, not a fanmade

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

When you need a good laugh

just watch Brooklyn nine nine


I don't like the second season as much as I liked the first one, but the last episode was hilarious

Captain Holt: Squad, since Peralta's briefing was cut short, you can all use this time to clean up your desks. Look at this place. Half-eaten food, crumpled tissues, pictures of your families.
 Terry: What's wrong with pictures?
Captain Holt: If you love someone, you remember what they look like.

If you love someone, you remember what they look like:))))that line killed me:)))

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

I still have this page in my bookmarks


not bookmarks, but rather Opera Speed Dial


on my speed dial

I'm still dreaming about going there


the day I will become healthy, I will apply to all of the jobs (ignoring requirements) hoping to get one of those

carpenter if I need to

and since I'm like a good student following every medical outbreak which affects diabetes, from the last information that I gathered, I learned it may be possible for me to get rid off the shots and become pretty much healthy

while still being in my late thirties (hopefully late 30's)


knowing all those medical corporations that would not wanna lose my money, they we do something to turn every possible cure down



but, dear Antarctic, wait for me, one day I will come

Monday, February 16, 2015

I am living with strangers

like most of the people here I rent only one room in an apartment

because living here is extremely expensive

I am paying 400eur for a room in the apartment and it is still cheap

so right now I'm living with 2 +1+0,5 people

the 2 means apartment owner (lovely lady) and another worker (russian young man)

1+0,5 means, that in the beginning there were only three of us and it was all nice and comfy here, but the son of the apartment owner lady is probably getting a divorce and right now he is living on the couch in the living room, 0,5 is his son, who comes at weekends (not every weekend)

you see

I'm super spoiled little brat

I have wonderful family and I did not know, that people can be so ugly

the walls here are thin and I hear every single thing people tell

during those months that he lives here I updated my database of russian curse words and now can fluently speak black russian if I want to

I could not imagine, that you can yell sooooooooooo badly at your still-wife

he yells on the phone at her hysterically

and then they make up and he leaves until another fight

when I first saw that man I thought, oh, what I nice looking man with good behavior, that was the tine when he just visited his mom, all that gentle man kind of man

and imagine my surprise when I first heard him yelling

it was ugly, it was so ugly, that I thought that maybe he is talking to some of his male enemies


it was his wife (who apparently cheated on him)

sometimes he threatens to kill her

but the next day they are both happy

I do not understand that

how can one man turn into another when nobody sees him

I think he forgets how thin are walls here

but now it scares the shit out of me

are all people outside my family and friend circle like that?

do they wear those masks?

and thats why I do think bad boys are more honest with girls, at least they don't pretend

he sometimes yells at his mother too

not like yells, but more like hysterically talks

I did not know, that grown man can be so childish

I could not imagine anyone in my family to act that way

nobody ever yells at parents


because we respect each other

it is kinda sad, though, that I have such a high standard of family

it is impossible for me to accept other kind of family

and apparently we are the rare kind of it, because we are so loyal

but if my husband would yell at least once at me like that man yells at his wife every day, I would divorce from him the very next second and I definitely won't ever accept him back (like his wife do every single week)

I know for sure, in my own family, we will be as happy, as my parents are:)

I'm ill

and I know how zombies feel

today while going to work there was a ticket check and it took me a while to understand that I need to take out of the pocket my ticket (and it was not my first check, not even fifth)

so when I got to office my first question was "Do we have a lot of work today?" got an answer "No" and my second question was "I don't feel well, can I go home?" and he let me go

and I spent another hour going back home

visited pharmacy, though

got Panadol

it worked

feel a little bit better, but still cough like a dying person

but I will be fine

there is no "die at 28" in my check list anymore


Sunday, February 15, 2015

I cried again this week

in my sleep

because I understand that I will always be the foreigner here

I will never be accepted fully to this society

I will never be part of Finns

I will never be part of Estonians

I will never be part of Russians

I am nationality homeless woman

because I'm mixed blooded

and you should keep your blood pure!

don't have kids with people from another nationality!

but I do think about Russia now

maybe I should look for a job there

at least I know Russian better than most of the Russians

so I won't be having problems with communicating

I want to get rid off that feeling of not belonging to certain nation

the passport is just a paper

nationality is much deeper

my colleague even asked me the next morning "is everything okay with you? you are too silent today"

of course I lied

I told him, that everything okay

I would not be able to tell him, that I cried half a night, because in Finland I will always be "the one who steals job from Finns", "the Russian spy", "the Estonian cheap slave" and many other things I already heard from people here

and even though I pay taxes to Finland, I will always be invader here

like I am in Estonia the same Russian spy

and in Russia - the "baltic russians are not real russians and pretty much nazis"

therefore I cry

the whole world belongs to me

but I don't have a homeland

Restoring old friendships

I don't know whether the rest of the world have the same tradition, but here, in Estonia, the first friday of February is the day you meet with your old school mates

it is not like an obligation

but rather a suggestion

to keep the connections up

I never went to those meetings, but this year it was........10 (!!!) years since we finished school

we tried to gather people, but the people we had been able to reach did not want to come, so in the end there were only two of us, my friend, who I see once a month and I:)

mini reunion

we talked about school a little and then remembered one friend, whom we had, who was always with us and although my friend left some sort of request in some social media, she had not responded anything

then my friend asked "do you have her old phone number"

indeed I had (the perks of having old mobile phone)

we looked at the number and decided that the number combinations is just too cool to change it and therefore decided to call her

and she answered:)

and she came to see us

and we talked

and we talked

and we talked

we talked until the coffee shop closed

and then talked a little bit more


it was soooooo good to see her

to talk to her

like if those 10 years and stupid fight between them never happened

like if we saw each other just yesterday, not 10 years ago:)

we had not aged a bit:)

we now think we are immortal and we never turn old:)

teeeeen years



then I wrote to another school friend, who I see once a month as well, but who got into the fight with the other school friend and I tried to connect them again


they are meeting this week


after not talking to each other for 6 years (they ask about each other from me but were too stubborn to get their shit together)

it feels good


if you have an old school friend who you miss

find him-her in the internet and call

life is too short to meaningless fights


don't try to find your first love, though, most likely you will be disappointed


I was really happy to see our little school company again!:)

How Vietnamese girl ruined my belief in Finnish love

it was couple of months ago

but it still affects me

so I was going home by bus and was sitting staring out of the window like I always do, but then in the bus I saw a couple sitting in front of me

it was a very old man and his old lady, you know, those lovely old couples

he was touching her hair and her hand and I was sitting there, smiling like an idiot, thinking, see, that's why I wanted to come to Finland, to see those kind of couples being so tender to each other after so many years together

I am not lying

I had teary eyes:)

but then the end stop arrived




the old lady turned to my side and I saw that old lady was actually very young Vietnamese girl, who was looking at that old man with such a disgust, that I thought for a moment, that she will kill him

he did not stop touching her

and in a second, those touches from "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww how sweet" turned into "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew, you pervert"

I don't think she was a hooker, because hookers have certain rules and that girl was just like an "internet bride", who came because of the citizenship and was ready to live with aaaanyone


even hooker to some extent can chose the clients

I was crushed

just one couple, but it felt, like the rest of the hope to find the love here was gone

maybe thats what growing up means

you don't believe in people anymore

therefore most of the people replace it with believing in god

I still believe in humanity, because my family is thaaaat amazing:)

I still believe in love, but I don't believe anymore that I find it here

I had one friend here for a short period of time

everything was good

except that he forgot to mention, that he is married and has two kids


I don't know

why do I always attract taken men?

but thank you, almighty Google, for providing me needed information


cheating on wives is much more complicated now, is not it, men?

there is no love in Finland

for me

I did not like my new place

so I returned here


yeah, it was confidential, no people I know, no censorship, write all you want

but that felt like escaping

this place may be messed up and it may ruined some of my connections

but it is my online home:)

no matter how broken it is

I will always return here

Thursday, February 5, 2015

I drove a car

aaaaaall byyyyy myyyyyseeeeelf

did you read that line like a song?



I did that

I drove a car with manual gear box on the hellish streets of HELLsinki (I still am looking for an apartment in Espoo, I just can't stand Helsinki)

at first I could not start the car

ooooooh, how dumb I felt that moment:))

I even googled it, because I knew what to do, but somehow it did not work

fortunately, my colleague was passing by, and after having a laugh, he told me, that is is some steering wheel lock, so, my lovely driver girls, if you can insert key to ignition, but can not start the car, I suggest you turn the wheel to the left (or depending on the car to the right) and turn the key at the same time:)it may help

in Estonia we have like literally couple of the city roads, where you have to drive up a hill, in Hellsinki the hills are eeeeverywhere and where there are no natural hills Finns built artificial ones

I'm not kidding, it is like driving on a carousel :) up and down, up and down

and the first hill was right after leaving the parking lot:) I am a person, who like every normal girl, am not comfortable with driving up, since you can't always predict whats going to happen after the turn or will that damned manual gear box work good enough or will you freeze there, but I did that and even managed to pass a car, that was driving the opposite direction without hitting it

the thing about roads of Helsinki (besides up and down, up and down) is that they are narrow

the condition of the roads are great, no holes and stuff

and if to remove all the parked cars from the streets, they are wide enough and you can drive without the problems

I have no idea why

but Finns park cars EVERYWHERE, I mean if you have a road, you can be sure, that from the both sides of the road, you will have parked cars, so instead of comfortable 2,5 driving lines (when you have two normal traffic lines and half a line for maneuvers) you will be having only 1,5 line, yeeeeap, and when two cars are going on opposite direction there will be hell of a problem to drive by without hitting each other or those damned parked cars, and I won't even start telling you what kind of emotions do you feel, when you understand, that on the opposite line the bus is coming and it takes whole 1 line of those pathetic 1,5 :)

those are regular roads

and then there are highways

and now I love AC/DC Highway to Hell song even more


because when you drive at 100 km/h speed limit (in Estonia I'm allowed to drive only up to 90 km/h, since I just got the license, but in Finland you have to drive 100 no matter what) all you can think about WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY do they need to drive so fast, when it is snowing and you can barely see anything, do they want to go to hell?


even though in Estonia it is highly recommended to take the speed down, when you have bad weather conditions, in Finland nobody cares about it and even in the toughest snow storm they WILL drive 100 km/h even though there will be dozens of car crashes

therefore, after going up and down up and down countless times, I reached the highway with only one major mistake, I stopped at the traffic light, when for me it was green, but I noticed it fast, so I did not caused a lot of problems

then I had to drive at 100 km/h and I did not like it, because I knew that I have to leave the highway on the exit to my part of the city, but I did not know exactly when will it come

aaaand the navigator in our old work car somehow decided to lie to me

aaaaand I was maaaaaad

daaaaaamn I was maaaaaaaad


I have men who lie to me, I don't need navigator to lie to me too

I was so mad , that I took it off and I'm not kidding, if it was my car, that navigator would had been thrown out of the car in seconds, after I park it:)

but being paranoid parrot as I am, I in addition to car navigator put on navigation app that is installed in my Nokia and that was a right decision, must I say:)

I got into the right exit, but being mad as I was back then, I took a wrong turn on a regular road, so I had to drive a different route, but I got home

the parking was another story

we have really old Peugeot Partner (if I'm not mistaken) van and it has no back doors glasses

and I ALWAYS use back door little triangle glass to park a car

my struggle was real, when I was parking that hideous car:)

but after like three minutes I finally parked it:)

and to make it official: I do not like driving vans, AT ALL


especially when it is snowing (spent 20 minutes cleaning the car in the morning) and in the mornings (almost hit a car, when I was changing the lines and it suddenly started slowing down, but I hit the brakes like a pro, it was dark, the road was wet and there was heavy snowing again, yeeeah, I chose the right kind of weather for my first aaaaall byyyyyy myyyyself drive)

what I learned from that experience:
  • I do not panic in stressful situations, aaaaaat aaaaaall, all the mistakes I made, I took them fast and found solution right away, without panicking like most newborn drivers do
  • I make mistakes with changing lines
  • I was surprised to know, that such a little thing like navigator can piss me off sooooo bad
  • I am a potential good parking person, but only when the car has actual back door glasses
  • I don't like driving vans
  • HELLsinki roads are evil
  • and driving is men's job :)
but nevertheless, I drove a car, did not got into car accident even in such a bad weather and I know now, that I prefer driving alone, rather than with somebody in the car


I wish I could post everything I think

but then again

I'm tired of people complaining

I never use names of the actual people I know

and it happened so, that I have friends, who never met with each other, so they don't know who I am writing about

but theeeere iiiiis aaaaaaaalways some complaint about what I say


I think about writing my full diary offline, but I am afraid I'm too lazy for that

I wish I can tell you everything I'm thinking about

everything I am learning about

every lie that people tell me

every compliment that people make me

I wish I would

but I can't

because, you know

personal space and stuff


In the world where everything is getting more expensive

Tallink decided to lower the prices

and by "lower the prices" I mean not 1-5euros, nooooope, significantly lower the prices:)

for the ticket, that I used to pay 50 euro, I pay 37 now (thats without discounts, and since I have a loyalty card, I pay even less)

I have no idea why did they do it and for how long will it last

but from the face of my bank account I can tell you : Tallink, thank you!


*this is not a paid advertisement, I wish it was, but nobody wanna pay me:)))