Thursday, December 31, 2015

I still find his voice captivating

Frank Turner

there is something in it, that keeps crawling in my head and chilling there:)

and I don't mind :)

but if you ask me who has the best voice on planet Earth, I give you the answer millions of girls give

Russell Crowe

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-voice at its finest :)

The cold is back

it did not bring snow

but we have white frost now

and it does feel like winter now :)


still remember eating ice cream outside wearing another short dress in Helsinki

met a kid with ice cream too that moment

what is an okay situation, if there had not been muslim people standing near by

wearing super warm jackets with super warm hats and and and and and FACE MASKS

you know, those ugly ones, that cover your face when it is extremely cold outside

I still do not feel bad that I laughed when I saw them

like cooome on

we ate ice cream and they were already dying from cold

it was not even minus temperature yet :)

hopefully it will be cold winter

just to show them the range of temperatures we have here


I must feel bad

getting more ill

getting older

still single with small heart capacity to love

but but buuuuut

I love my life now

I love how I look and how I feel

I love how I look with make up as much as I love myself with no make up

I love my hair in perfect style as much as I love it hobo style

I am like a monkey now :)

each time I see a reflecting surface I freeze for a moment enjoying the look :)

should I feel bad?

yeah, probably

I am not a top model

but somehow I do not compare myself to other girls anymore

it is like if I suddenly reached a point of no return

I accepted my ill body (even you, my betraying heart), my wicked mind and not perfect appearance

aaaand if to put it all together, I happened to come out one hell of an amazing person with no possibility to replace me :)

and if you can't replace me, I can't compare myself with you


I am perfect :)

in comparison with every single person who is like me, I always win

because they are me, myself and I :)

King Jana is back

but now I am willing to accept the Queen title :)




Apulanta's man is in my team

the team with a huge hole

that can not be healed


noooot in the heart, you little sad people

in a lip:)

saw a video, and now Finnish band Apulanta is in my favorite band list

only because we share the same type lip hole that can be seen even after the labret (or maybe he wore a lip ring, I don't know) was removed


I have the same hole

do I regret having lip piercing?

not even a bit:)

I loved it when I got it, I loved it while I wore it and I still miss it sometimes, even though I took it off only 3 or 4 years ago

but I do think, that maaaaay be, juuuuust maaaaaay be, I will surgically remove it

but most likely I won't

because it is barely seen :)

what I will remove for sure, is one of my tattoos, I never liked it and making it was a mistake (still don't understand how the hell did I let the man with shaking hands do that, maybe because he had good reputation and lots of tattoo fest wins and diplomas)

I already found a clinic, need to save some money to remove it, thaaaaaank my brain, for getting it in black and in small size, removing it won't be super expensive

I do think about getting a new one

the image of it just had not been born yet in my brain

but I am feeling, that it is in progress :)

valooot pimeyksieeen reunoillaaaa

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

I decided not to take money

I have enough money now to buy a good used car

but I will not buy it

I will not buy anything

or invest them in something

I decided it is wrong to use those money, because it is not mine

we had an agreement with my father, that he will pay half of my Finnish rent, so my mother opened an account to put that money on it

I thought it was okay, since my father offered paying himself, I did not ask for it

he earns good money

my parents also pay for my ferry tickets to Finland and back

I thought it is okay as well

I don't think that now

I am too spoiled and maybe that's why I agreed to work having slave salary

I want to buy a car

but I will not do that

in January I will use only my money

only what I earned myself

I am pretty sure I will be back home in Tallinn by the end of month with zero euros in my pocket

and that is how it has to be

you can not spend more than you earn

even if it is your family money you should not spend it

gonna find a higher paying job much faster now

when you don't have money to eat

you start doing something

and you do not agree to work for 1300 a month


if to calculate

without my parents financial help

I am paying:
  • 410 for A ROOM, not an apartment
  • 155 for a public transport tickets
  • 150 for ferry tickets (75 twice a month)
  • 17 for mobile internet + 10 for calls and messages
that would be 742

those are needed each month, leaving me with 558 for the rest of the month on everything

I can not skip meals, because I am ill

and I am eating a lot

did you see the food prices in Finland?

HIGH as mountains


then add medicines, beauty products, hockey tickets, unforeseen expenses (and bank expenses, why the fuck do they charge so much on nothing?)

I am human, I go to hockey at least once a month too (buy cheap tickets for 20)

18,6 euros I can spend every day to have 0 by the end of the month

but I want to have a car

I need to put aside at least 200 every month and in a year I will be able to buy some shitty car for 2400

that would leave me 358 for living which is 12eur a day



numbers don't lie

I do not think it is right to downgrade my preferable lifestyle level only to stay at work I really love

I love my job, I really, really do

but franticly counting "I hope it is less than 12 eur, or I have nothing to eat tomorrow" is not the price I am willing to pay for loving my job

dear Estonia

expect me back in February :)

numbers don't lie

and I will no longer working in negative bank account balance, only because I love my pipe nation boys, my colleagues and my job in general - "no, there is no man, I am the senior surveyor here" - gonna miss using that line:)))

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

TV shows make me feel stupid but I still have hope

before the era of the small screen I thought I am pretty much smart

like smartie smart

what the hell

I thought I am the smartest of my friends


aaaand pretty much smarter than 97% of my school mates

aaand university

but then this happened

The Big Bang Theory, Elementary, Mentalist, Sherlock, House MD, Scorpion

just to name few


and I realized I am extremely stupid

then I started reading books about everything

gathering information about everything

my biggest mistake was, that I did not read the book about storing that information in my memory

I wasted a lot of time on information I had not been able to keep in my brain

I no longer think I am smart

I think it would had been much more productive to stay in one field

but well

yesterday we learned, that I can't make choices


I am pretty good surveyor (like come on, I am working in a country using my fourth language on daily basis and most of people understand me), but it is not big enough for me

I want to try something new

I still have my list of dream jobs from 2013
  • Astronaut
  • Glaciologist
  • Astrophysicist
  • Investigator 
  • Hockey coach
  • Book store owner
  • Biathlon athlete
the first four jobs used to be in the list of "dream jobs I will never have", but in two years my confidence somehow skyrocketed and even though I am still ill (aaaand I haaaaave aaaaaaa faaaaaast beeeeeating heeeeeart nooooow), I think I can boost my brain enough to fill all the needed skills in it

that is my new year resolution

chasing my dream jobs


and I am bad at it :)

help me!

Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing at our face

Saying, "Wake up, you need to make money."

another song I am not gonna get tired of


Monday, December 28, 2015

In case you had forgotten

this song

I will post it again


I know my biggest weakness now

I just typed "now" as "snow"

I guess I am missing snow a little bit too much

nobody gave me the snow

so here is a picture for myself

back to weaknesses

my biggest weakness is not that I am such a huge moody jerk


thats my biggest pain the the ass

my weakness is inability to make a choice

I realized it couple of days ago, when I bought 5 different packs of tampons


do I need it?


one would be perfectly enough

but I saw the new improved one, the old good one, the fancy one, the new company one and the pink one

and I bought it all

then I came home

thinking Whaaaaat the actual heeeeeeell

and I saw it

I have at least 7 hand creams

5 toothpastes (using 3, 2 are in the beauty box, but still)

and other things

all in pretty good alternatives

what I use in every day life

I have AT LEAST 3 different kinds of

at first, I thought I have some shopping problem

but I do not buy things I won't use

I just can't stick with one option

same with men

I am not kidding now, one of my close friends already came up with the nickname "your primary future husband" for the man I like the most at work

did you mention the word "the most"?

that's right

in addition to my favorite one, each week I have at least two others

the two always change

but still

I can't even stick to one man

I can not choose

I am always looking for some other options

how the hell is that possible?

I know what I want

but I can't find it

one thing I found

Dior Addict mascara :)

when I found it, I stopped buying dozens of other ones

but I thought about buying another one

did not buy it

does it mean I can stop choosing when I found the right one?

does it include men?

will I stop having side loves, when I meet The man?

I think so

I am a moody jerk

and now I am a picky bitch

but I know what I am looking for

and I need to stand with no more than 2 options, when I buy every day goods


if I lower my expectations, I am pretty sure I will always cheat on my man, because I will always know he is not The man

but I did not switch my hockey team when our crisis happened after all

so I am loyal

to the people I had chosen


my future man will be the happiest man on Earth when he realizes, that out of aaaaaall of the men in the world, I had chosen him

by that time he probably will realize how hard for me it is to stay with one option


I am a tough cookie indeed

The betrayal of my fast beating heart

it took me one week to forgive my fast beating heart for being such a weak thing

but from now when I talk about my heart I will not name it cold, dead, black and so on

it is "my fast beating heart" now

I have one

and it is fast

and weak

the last thing to betray me :)

after all, I always knew my body is slowly sinking down to the depths of multiverse :)

now just a little bit faster

got the joke, got it, got it?:)

until my brain works, I will be perfectly fine

in my company of weak body parts


I am a tough cookie

Friday, December 25, 2015

I don't understand why people love Paris so much

I really tried

I tried to fall in love with the Eiffel tower

with french language

and french food

and french movies

well, apparently I have absolutely nothing french in me


from the pictures I saw I still think, that Paris is pretty much just an ugly old town, trying to be romantic and ignoring all the trash (and I am not talking only about actual garbage now)

I do not like french language

I do not like the way it sounds (it is so soft, like a chewing gum, like if french people are afraid to toughen up)

I do not like modern french literature

I read it

plenty of it

but I can't name a single modern writer

I only remember old school Voltaire (but if keeping in mind how many years he lived outside France, it is hard to say he was Frenchy boy), Stendhal (Russia, Italy etc), Jules Verne and Dumas (pretty much the only French authors I respect), and there is Hugo (still think Notre-Dame de Paris is way overpriced)

almost all of them are from 19th century

so I don't understand why French people are so proud of their literature (from my experience, most of the novels were "E L James of that time" kind of novels)

movies are the same - you just can't add naked person in the movie doing some repetitive crap and then call it art house movie that you have to love, because it is french and you muuuust looooove everything french

or that hideous amount of iron they call Eiffel tower

it is like if they are trying a little bit too hard for the rest of the world to love them

I don't accept that kind of forced love

my dream love country is definitely not Paris

I like calm and wild and the same time:)

Iceland and Ireland

they are both fire and ice at the same time, but very confident and self oriented

they don't need to force you to love they

you either love it, or not

if not, then they just don't give a slight damn about that :)

I want to go to Iceland to see ice caves and geysers

I want to go to Ireland to visit Dublin and Belfast and then to go to some really small town village with their local pub, just talk to people about their lives and then for some reasons I want to run it the fields:)

I have that strange desire for many years now

to run in the Ireland fields:)))

you can love everything French

but I just don't

I miss the time when Jared Leto was a singer

I miss a lot of things lately


but I love 30 seconds to Mars

and I loved their show in Tallinn

I do think, he is an outstanding actor

but come on

we miss your captivating voice


Waited for a text message

that never came

you know that feeling, when you grab your phone and see message icon and you hope it is from that one special person

and then you see some lovely greetings from other people and you still feel disappointed

it is like, bitch, you should be happy, that people still remember you and send you season greetings

but nooooooo

you are disappointed, because it was not from him

but well

continue being the shy guy

and I will continue being awesome


Monday, December 21, 2015

Apparently I have a weak heart

but I have one!


I don't like going to the doctors, because they always find something extremely bad

this time it was my heart

"Darling, your heart beats way too fast, you need to go to the cardiologist right now"

I did not really understand how is it, that my heart is weak, when it pumps my blood with such a fast speed

I have super mega strong heart in my opinion


it can pump my blood however fast it wants to


but yeah

"you would not be able to breath with the nose you have"

"you will lose all your teeth by the time you turn 30"

"you will lose your eyesight"

"you will lose your leg"

name one part of my body and I can guarantee some doctor had said to me, that I am gonna lose it and then die:)

doctors tend to overreact a lot


I have diabetes for 18 years already

I am gonna die one day

like all of you (but most likely a little bit sooner)

no need to worry:)

and my heart is perfectly fine

it just prefers to work a bit faster

don't see a problem there
After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure
I love harry Potter books with all of my fast beating heart:)

and I am already waiting for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Christmas movies' time

I started watching Christmas movies


first on the list of 100 best Christmas movies was 12 Dates of Christmas

I did not want to watch it, because I did not like the poster of that movie

I was thinking about, well, some ugly guy gets some hot girl on Christmas eve

I was looking on that poster and decided to see who else is starring there

imagine my surprise, when I got to know, that ugly guy is actually super hot Mark-Paul Gosselaar

I knoooooow


he looks hot in the movie as well, I do not know who created that poster, but they must fire that person

as for the hot girl, she looks much better on poster

I did not like the movie, bur mostly because I don't like the movies where the same day repeats itself over and over and over again (exception: episode of Supernatural)

you don't have to be genius to understand, that you will see it 12 times

and you know how it ends :)

I did not have any sympathy for them: the girl was pathetic, the boy was overreacting



so if you are a girl

I would recommend it only if you like Mark-Paul


if you are a guy

there was a team of hockey players

with a loooot of black players in it


Sunday, December 20, 2015

I miss the times when rap music was good

not like today

I still think 2Pac is the best

it would had been interesting to hear what kind of music he could had made if he was still alive today

And I can't help but wonder why, so many young kids had to die
Caught strays from AK's and the driveby
Swollen pride and homicide, don't coincide
Brothers cry for broken lives, mama come inside
Cause our block is filled with danger
Used to be a close knit community but now we're all cold strangers
Time changes us to stone them crack pipes
I am listening to his last album "Better Dayz" and I love it

compare to today's shit:

I'm not lying now

it is one of the most popular rap songs today

almost 100 000 000 views on youtube (and I just added one, I feel bad for that)

see the difference?

rap music is good

but what today is taken as rap has absolutely nothing in common with rap

I wanted to say that he is aging well

but then I saw a video

and now I think Bryan Adams should accept the fact that he is not young anymore

if telling complete truth: he looks older than 56

I would give him 66

but maybe because I am bit mad at him


uses young girl as his love interest in his new video

I am updating my music collection and when I saw that Bryan Adams has a new album at first I was surprised, because I was sure he had retired already from the music business

I had listened to it and I liked it

he is still super nice man

with super cute lovely songs

I liked You belong to me, because, like come on, he knows the right words to melt any woman's heart:)

especially in the world of passive men, who can't even start a conversation

but then I saw the video and though, daaaaaym you look too old for that girl

being helpless romantic as I am (shut up, I still believe in love) I now think, that young girl is the memory of the his wife when she was young and now for some reasons they are apart from each other (hopefully she is not dead) and he is just remembering her touches

here is the video

I think the way girl's hands hug his body is super intimate and it looks amazing

kudos to the director of that video

if only Bryan had not looked as her grandfather


I just wanna hooooooo oooooo oooooooo ld you

Saturday, December 19, 2015

My weird food preferences

"That is weird even for you" said my niece, when I told her, that every Sunday I have a strong need to drink lemon soda or juice

the more lemon is in it, the better it is

lemon drinks where sugar is on the first place in the ingredients list is not suitable at all

it has to be so sour, that it can burn everything out inside you :)

and it has to be Sunday

every time I see a lemon juice on any other day I think "naaay, I don't want that now"

but every Sunday, like some Cinderella looking for her prince, I am looking for a lemon juice

another one is wok noodles

I do not cook them

I do not use sauces

I just eat them like chips

open a bag and eat it

Santa Maria Wok noodles

and I do my best not to eat anything that was not previously packed or cooked in front of me

for some unexplained reason people tend to feed me meat when they got to know I don't eat meat

I still remember, when I came to one of my closest friends birthday family party and there was a lot of food

a loooooooooooot of food (like on any Russian birthday)

my friend knew that I don't eat meat and I said, that there is no need to make special dishes for me, I can eat simple potatoes with nothing

when I came to her birthday I realized there was absolutely not a single dish without meat

which is okay, since I don't eat much after all, so I thought I can pass on the food, simply drinking juice

but no

since it was sort of "whole family gathering with couple of close friends" kind of birthday, her mother when she saw, that I had not eaten anything, said that it is extremely disrespectful towards her not to eat anything, when she spent so many time in the kitchen and she put some meat salad on the plate and passed it to me

I did not want to ruin the party, so I took it and started to look for potato slices and other vegetables

I kinda ate it

without eating the meat

but I still remember the feeling thinking "but you are one of my best friends, why would you let that happen"

we are still awesome friends

but since that day I had never been to her home anymore:)

it is like some sort of a game
  • feed a person who doesn't eat meat, some meat and then make a comment saying "see, you ate meat without dying, so stop making out some rules and eat like a normal person should eat"
  • make a drink for somebody who does not drink alcohol, add some alcohol in it and then make a comment saying "see, you can drink alcohol without dying, so stop being such a picky bitch and drink alcohol like everybody do"
I have had that way too many times


so I do not take food which is not packed or had not been made in front of me

I do that only from the people I completely trust

it is like a trust test


wanna know how much do I trust you, offer me some opened food

if I take it, I trust you 100%

if I don't, then we are just not that close yet



it is not the usual music I am listening to

but this song decided to crawl into my brain and stay there :)

Angerfist - Temple Of Disease

there is something hypnotic about that song

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

It will be hard to leave

when you are smiling for no apparent reason each time you see pipe nation people


Monday, December 14, 2015

I can ice skate the sh*t out of you

that was my exact thought when after many years we went ice skating

we looked like cows on ice

at the beginning we felt like that as well

but then I kinda got in the mood


one of my friends even agreed to ice dance with me



we had skated for 50 minutes and I did not even feel tired


the one who can't even run 500m without mentally cursing like a sailor:)

sports is not my thing


apparently it does not include ice skating

I wanted to skate more and more and a little bit more:)

my girls told me, that I looked like a skater in my dress


I still refuse to wear pants :)

anyways, we agreed to skate more often

like come on

I have an ice hall on the other side of our bridge :)

10 minutes slow walking:)

but I still had not understand how did a get a scratch

I was skating in my dress and I had tights (not the thermo tights, but regular thin ones)

no jacket, no pants

I got a heavily bleeding scratch behind my knee

I felt like my skin is tearing and when I finally looked at my knee I saw a little bit of blood

I thought maybe it was the result of my fake falling (I did not fall while skating and in the end I decided skating is not skating if you did not fall on ice, so I kinda did it on purpose)

but my tights we not torn

how can I scratch my leg from the inside?:)

I still think I have the skin on my legs so tight, that even a 50 minute skating can harm it

frooooom the inside :)

had problems stopping the blood, when I got home (perks of being diabetic)

and I still have a bruise and a cut there :)

but even with my fragile legs I can ice skate the shit out of you


wanna go ice-skating?

Friday, December 11, 2015

Happy new Biathlon season!!!

It is a family thing

watching biathlon

I was calling my dad to remind him turning on Eurosport channel to watch biathlon, and he answered my call laughing, telling me that he was sending me text message with the same reminder

we love biathlon :)

and what about my favourite Ole Einar Bjoerndalen???

he is 41 years old


won first place in 20 km individual

20 (!!!) km


I still have a chance to become biathlon athlete

if he can win 20km being 41, I can try to win some sprint :)

because why the hell not

I just need to learn how to ski

and to shoot

I need a companion


Happy new  biathlon season!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

I should feel bad for posting this picture

but I do not


the cat has the right to do that


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I've made the decision

I am leaving my job

enough of that slave treating

after holidays I am breaking the contract and hopefully January will be my last month in Finland

I am gonna miss my boys and lovely pipe nation people and my wonderful people of Espoo

but everything has and ending

and if after 1,5 years of working I can only get 16 paid vacation days


I am sorry

go to hell

and I am going back to Estonia

where people may hate me only because I am Russian

and not because I am Estonian Russian


I did not meet the man

I did not get the money

my team is almost completely broken (cutie pie Talaja left as well yesterday)

nothing holds me here

and I am thinking about changing the career path

what should I do next?

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

I was sure rappers discovered this word

if you can call "Ya" a word


I was really surprised when listening to Motörhead I saw the title of the song and it was "Tear Ya Down"

let it sink into you

the song was published in 1979 or maybe even earlier

definitely not a rap song :)


dear rap people

if some metal head, who happened to be a grammar nazi as well, tells you, that you can't use Ya word you can send him/her to Motörhead album Overkill :)

I bet you forgot what day it is today

It is one of the best holidays of the year

The 8th December day


Happy 8th of December!!!

The Eighth December day is terrible calender day

because everything bad can happen

and nobody knows why

holiday day created by my friends and I somewhat 10 years ago

and people actually congratulate me

and I congratulate them


it is always good to have an extra holiday

another reason to celebrate :)

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Things you probably did not know: Zorro

when you see a word Zorro what are you thinking about?

if you are not Hispanic, then most likely you have only one option

this guy:


I remember watching that movie, but I have no memories of what that was about:)


for your information

Zorro is not only the guy with rapier

in spanish language that means....

here is the picture:



my brain is a wasteland

and I add it more every single day:)

I love 9gag

for their racist jokes as well :)


Wednesday, December 2, 2015

The rat, the woman and the team

latest news

our captain left the team

because he got a better offer and could not wait until we resolve our financial issues


I already compared Espoo Blues with sinking ship, so I continue that allegory

Espoo Blues is the sinking ship

who are the first ones to leave the ship?


who among the first ones left Espoo Blues?

Siim Liivik

here you go, Siim

have a new nickname: The Rat

suits your greedy personality much, is not it, The rat?

moving on

who leave the ship next?

Women and children

who left the team next?

our cap Kim Hirschovits


captain is the one, who suppose to leave the ship the last one or to sink with it

but noooo

our former captain wears dresses now and applies make up like a girl

wanna know her (he is she now) new name?

Kimberly Hirschobitch

Dear Kim, thanks for all you did in out team and I hope the new Kimberly who you turned into, will be perfectly fine in Kärpät


I have a perfect friend for you

he earns a lot of money now as well

you all know him

Rick Nash

another CRAPtain, who left the team in the darkest times, you will be the best friends with your perfect team, perfect families and perfect future

only that we will always remember your betrayal

yesterday we played in CHL against Kärpät (Kimberly left THE DAY OF THE GAME)

for the first 10 minutes we were like blind kittens

lost without familiar faces

we end up with the 2:0 win


we played like hungry men

hungry for the win

and we beat the shit out of that Kärpät team

because our team is THE TEAM

rats run away from the ship

women left the team

good repair men joined the team

and even if we are going to lose every single game, the most important one we already won

the day our craptain left

I see how my men want to win

how they want to play

how they reacted to every goal

and I liked what I saw

we are the team

and we lost all the ballast

and we will do everything to rise up

Meet our new captain: Kalle Kaijomaa, young blood

our outstanding goaltender Kaapo Kähkönen (who looks like a killer, because he can kill your shots)

cutie pie of the team Roope Talaja (who for some reasons looked extremely sad last night, but that did not stop him playing good)

and my new favourite player Jari Sailio (aka The Perfect Beard, aka The Happy Man (he can easily kill with his smile)) who played like a god yesterday








Dear Espoo Blues

We believe in you

and we support you!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Happy New Winter!!!

it is the right time for those two songs:

and my favourite :)

let it snow, let it snow, leeeet it snoooow

Happy New Winter, my dearest friends!

Monday, November 30, 2015

Squeaky leather

I have couple of faux leather dresses

for the reasons yet unknown sometimes they are starting making squeaky sounds

I read recommendations about how to get that off

all of those recommendations demanded a lot of time or a lot of money

I am self proclaimed lazy ass

I am looking for an easy way out:)

therefore forget about super expensive silicone gels, leather sprays that leave shiny marks, leather conditioners and other expensive thing, that smell like hell, cost like Ferrari and you have to be super careful not to spit that thing everywhere (and you have to use it on all of your dress, because in other way you will have ugly spots on it)

then I read about some home things

oils mostly

I don't like to use oils, because they are so hard to deal with

then I read one comment, that was written as a joke, recommending to use WD-40, because that thing can fix anything

and I looooooooooooooove WD-40

it is like my unreasonable love for aluminium

I just love it for some reason

probably, because deep down I am a robot


anyways, was that joke or not, but I had that picture from one of the best movies eeeveeeer Sunshine

that part, when they were repairing the shield of the ship

that part from 1:30

I use that picture in my mind, when I have headaches and try to shut them down

I close the panels in my brain

so I thought


if my dress makes squeaky sound

then something need to close those squeaky panels of that dress

and why the hell not WD-40 spray?:)

and you know what?


I took off the excessive WD-40 with paper towels and the dress is silent now

both of them

no marks

no smell

no money spent (everybody have that spray can at home, mystery thing)

therefore: before buying expensive silicone things try old good WD-40

for faux leather dresses it fit


most likely for the real one it will help as well :)

Girls, you are welcome

I already hear imaginary "thank you" from you for posting this photo of Charlie Hunnam


it would had been wrong not to post it :)

and thanks to Charlie for building that wonderful body :)

and girls, if your boyfriends tell you "ewww, you gained 3kg, you need to lose weight asap", you can show him that picture and say "do you look like Hunnam? No? then eeeewwwwww, you need to lose weight asap"


I love his beard

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The man I thought I loved

had left the country



he immigrated to Canada and told me the date when he leaves

apparently I could not care less, if I forgot about that

and it feels gooooooooooood


like come on, year ago I would had desperately trying to make him stay in Estonia

and now I forgot about that day

it is good to know, that I got over that illness

it is about time:)

hello, brave men of Finland and Estonia

I am ready to bring some light to your life (mixed with emotion explosion once a month:)))


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

If Blues leaves the League

I will leave the country


I came for love, money and hockey

found no love

got no money

and the last thing keeping me here is Espoo Blues, who have serious financial troubles and there is a possibility that they will file for bankruptcy and leave Liiga

and if I have nothing to keep me here, then why to stay


Monday, November 23, 2015

I know something about you

that you lied about to me:)

apparently not only boys lie to me, but girls as well

but I understand that you wanted to look a better person than you are


and I will continue pretending that I don't know what you did

but I do know


I feel like cheating on Rise Against

I love Emil Bulls now

love love loooove them


not toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight Josephiiiiiiiiiiine

my heeeeeart belongs to anooooother

I knooow what I want and it's not yoooooooou

for some reason I love the word "pandemonium" in that song:)

pandemooooooooooooooooooooonium :)

or this masterpiece Man or mouse:

or this super party song Pants down


they have a loooooooooooooooot of good songs and I remember the first song I had heard from them was Angel delivery

and let's not count how many years ago was that:)))

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

And I just wanna

put my head into his shoulder and stay like that forever, feeling safe and happy

eeeeevery single time I see him at work :)

and he is weird

like super weird

and I don's seem to mind that

it is sad, that Finnish men are so passive, because I am pretty sure he likes me too

if only I knew is he married, or dating somebody

and then I remember, that if I start doing the first steps it will end like it always does : with my broken heart and inability to trust people

therefore I keep telling myself: he is just not that into me


Monday, November 16, 2015

Don't trust the bus stop lady

almost every morning I see an old lady on the bus stop next to my building

the buses in the morning are a rare phenomenon here, therefore the first time I saw here I though, oh, good, the bus is coming soon and my lazy ass always prefers taking one short ride over walking for 6 minutes to metro :)

so I waited with her

and waited

then realized my metro train already left

and I was still waiting with that bus stop lady :)

I left while she was still standing there

I still see her almost every morning

sometimes the bus comes right away, most of the times it does not

but she is always there

creating illusion of soon coming bus


and now the conclusion: the person showing you the way is not always right

the person can be just standing there for no obvious reason

or the person can have all the time in the world to stand there

it is extremely stupid to trust somebody

everybody has different reasons for doing the same thing as you

you can always chose the easy way (you see the lady, you expect a bus)

and for some of you it may work (you are not late and can wait the shit of time until the bus comes)

but you should not depend on other people to make a decision you need to make

and I am not talking about buses anymore:)

Emil Bulls

I kinda love Emil Bulls now




looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove them


I knew long time about them, but for me they were okaaay band

now I am listening to their whole discography and I genuinely love it :)

The most evil spell is a wonderful song, that can be played as a jumping-screaming song and dancing in the lingerie song

same song, two opposites :)


I know it is extremely hard to imagine, but I feel perfectly fine being in that sort of crowd :) I actually love doing that :) even though I may look like a lady :) I still have that beast in me:)

and here is the slow dancing version of the same song:

perfect for the night:)


I want to see them live now

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Yeti stole 4 hours of my life

I have no other explanation

I came home, started eating, woke up 4 hours later in my bed

I do not remember how I got there

and when I stopped eating :)

the only explanation is yeti from another dimension came here and stole me and then erased all memory

but maybe I am getting my brain problems back


couple weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night not remembering half of the work day, but I had fever that time, so at least it had some explanation

was hard to restore any kind of memories of that day

I remembered morning perfectly fine, but then the temperature went up and my brain went on low mode functioning

I guess it is how drunk people feel

I remember certain pictures, but not the whole action:)

was ladies man holding a door for me?

we don't even work together in the same room, where was that door?

and other questions

one thing I love about my brain, is that no matter how bad and tired I feel I always wake up to eat something


I am pretty sure yeti is hunting me down

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The redneck in me

is still doing perfectly fine :)

I am not sure where did I get that love for country from :)

but I don't mind

I love country

makes me smile :)

simple things are the most important and country people know that

the voice of next country man I love more than I would like to admit :)

meet Kane Brown

his look does not match his voice aaaaat all

the beginning of that song gives me chills


but his voice would sound better on somebody like super manly hottie Dierks Bentley

I think I like country mainly because the men still sing about manly things :)

I would definitely feel safe with somebody, who can say:
Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder
You don’t have to worry anymore
This old world is cold and getting colder
And I know how to lock and bolt the door
I’m strong enough to hold you through the winter
who can say it and mean it :)

Monday, November 9, 2015

I am not a smart girl

that is what I thought, when reading programming book I saw a chart with the description of keys




I feel super dumb

but I never knew the whole name of Alt key

I was sure it was the proper name

Alt and nothing more



Alt is a short form of Alternate :)



it makes sense now:)

She looks so...polished

but that is what you get when you become famous

my ti-ri-ri girl (aka Rachel Platten, some people think it is not ti ri ri, but rather de dee de, which is not good) looks peeeerfect and polished and... boring

I would had recognize her without sound

hopefully she won't use autotune any time soon

here is the new video:

like come ooon, Carrie Underwood much?


for me Platten will always be ti-ri-ri girl :)

she looks so happy, so alive :)

Thursday, November 5, 2015


when I am drawing at work I am usually listening to HDRN (Hard Drivin' Radio)

last time I caught Nonpoint song that I used to love, but then suddenly forgot about it

sometimes that happens


Nonpoint - That day

And if memory serves me right,
You were serving up nothing but a plate of lies.

And it was covered in flies,
Rotten from the inside out,
Excuse my words as I put it in my mouth!
awesome song :)

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Are you leaving the sinking ship?

repairing our ship will be much easier

and productive

I am talking about Espoo Blues now

Malmivaara (amazing defenseman), Kantola (I looooved looking at his play, was our forward), Tikkinen (another amazing forward) and now Liivik left as well


I had mental breakdown when my CRAPtain Rick Nash left our sinking Columbus team

he kinda left me wondering "does the team mean nothing to you, if you leave it in the hardest, darkest time?"


apparently hockey is not a sport anymore

but a job

and who pays you more, gets you

Liivik was our "A" badge man

left to our enemy team (we play in the neighbour cities)



he played there years ago, but then joined our team (we probably paid him more)

now he is going back to his team

they probably offered him more

money and fame whore?

and the longer I watch hockey

the more I understand that with good money you can have any player in the world

hockey is business

no dignity there

remember the ugly escape from Ottawa?


who was there for yeeeeeeeeeeeeeears

the symbol of Senators

left his last season

because "he wanted a chance to win Stanley Cup"

leaving his own team

I do not understand that

nor do I intend to learn the names and the positions of the players anymore

from now my knowledge is "The Goaltender, The Captain, The Cutie pie"

I'm loyal to the team

but not to players

to those who left: good luck in your new teams!

to those who stayed: we are going to play better each game

and those who made evil jokes about us, will be wearing out scarf soon


Tää on Espoo

and we had amazing game yesterday

and we are going to have them even more now

less penalty minutes now for sure


Monday, November 2, 2015

The official explanation why autumn this year is so warm

because refugees breath so much

they exhale warm CO2


that is the only logical explanation

I do not think, that +10 when it is already November is an okay temperature

where is the snow

where is the cold

warm bodies of immigrants melted it


not racist remark at all

is not it?


Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Sad songs must be banned

Adele wrote new album

and published the first single


I used to like that kind of songs

thought that they help

but the longer I live the more I think they artificially elongate the length of natural grieving

you see, when you break up with somebody you are that extremely sad and empty and betrayed

you need time for healing

and time always helps

but when you are in that situation and you are listening to some sad song hoping it will help you, you actually just taking your sadness to the whole new level

you listen to those songs and you stay in that exact state of mind

you are not healing

you are torturing yourself and most likely until the end of time when you will hear the song that in your brain you linked with some break up, you will reliving the same sad emotions

all over again


I have one for myself

when I was young and not so smart and was in love with someone not even living in Estonia :)


I was not that good in English when I chose my suffering song :)

good song, but everytime I hear it, I instantly remember that boy

never ending story

and girls tend to do that

grieve the dead love

Adele is not helping

like every other sad song writer

they make you suffer for much longer

leaving you with non dying memories that you linked to the song

if you are sad don't listen to those kind of songs

they will poison your life and make you even more sad

there are a lot of happy songs about break ups

my favourites are Michael Buble for cheating bastards and Simple Plan for "it just happened so"

find something good in something bad

Adele kind of songs won't help you with that

Monday, October 26, 2015


oh that wonderful time

when you can look like gay, but still be called "hard rock"

just look at one of their covers:

one word: faaaaaaabulous


the hair

the make up

the looks

like, come on

hard rock looked too soft

but they are a great band though


but it is hard to imagine how much time do they spend in front of the mirror


aaaaaand they tend to end songs using fade out

which is an easiest way to end the song

let's pretend the song has no end:)

not cool, not cool

but then again, if you spend so much time in front of mirror you don't have enough time to end songs appropriately

I'm just jealous of their hair

that's all:)

Weird metro ride

I like metro

I like weird people I meet there

but yesterday was kinda shocking evening metro trip

first of all there was an 50-something not black, not white, but that in-between Arab or somebody like him, you know, with the skin colour that make you wanna wash his face saying: your face is dirty

I am living next to the last metro stop

so I was enjoying going through 9gag on my phone

after a while I felt a heavy look

and it was that arab

staring at me

I gave him my furious look while rolling my eyes and kinda forgot about him


when he stood up to leave the train his pants were wet

in that specific place

I would like to think, that he pissed himself, but the dry empty seat under his butt tells me I am wrong


you know


I somehow thought that you need a little help from your hand to do that

or any kind of physical touch

but apparently I was wrong


but that's okaaaaaaaaay


not okay was the next person I saw in the same train

I am still not sure if he was a person

you see

yesterday I was watching my favourite Russian TV show "Battle of  the psychics" and in that episode there was a story about my most favourite thing in the world: Yeti!


I did my best and watched it until the end

the story was about a female yeti who was raped by men and had a son after that

half yeti, half man

they showed the pictures of that female yeti in the dress and her son

I looked at that picture

rookie mistake

scared the shit out of me, but he looked just like a little bit too hairy person (with head bigger than we have)

so imagine my surprise when in the train I saw the man who looked almost identical to that half yeti from the show

I almost dropped my phones and damn I wanted to run from that

my heart was beating way too fast :)

here is my drawing masterpiece that I drew in Skype:


if he took metro and he was leaving the train on the last metro stop, then he is probably leaving next to me

when I finally left that train I was in shock and that dirty man did not seem like the worst person in the world

at least he was human

and I seriously doubt that yeti man was a man

today at morning I saw two more similar men who were not so yeti like, but still looked kinda doubtful

I never saw them before

and I think maybe they are "refugees"

but they scare the shit out of me

because they look like half-yeti people



Wednesday, October 21, 2015

My food confession

I should probably feel bad

but I do not

I love eating baby food

not long time ago I was in the shop looking for another hand cream and happened to end up in children section

with pampers, baby stuff and baby food and baby cosmetics

I decided that manufactures are not so evil to poison babies and maybe their hand creams are better

so I bought one

and it is gooooooooooooooooooooooooood


then I started thinking maybe their food is also as good

I tried a lot of purees, but did not really liked them

except for one

I eat it every day

it is like perfect food for lazy ass people :)

it consists ONLY of apples

not even water added

you just open it and suck it out without even needing to use plate and knife

and it tastes deliiiiiiicious

I have the world of purees in glass jars ahead of me next:)

but for now I eat that apple puree and different cereals and other dry food

yesterday was carrot rings time :)

looooooooooooooved it

and baby food package is so small that it is perfectly enough for one time and there is no need to keep opened packs

so yeah

I eat baby food on daily basis

and I love it


Tuesday, October 20, 2015

I love Rise Against

I really really really do:)

went to their concert

was the happiest person on planet earth

was confused by Finnish people


that's Rise Against, and you are buying a seat ticket

the one with, you know, seat:)

how can you listen to Rise Against live while sitting I absolutely do not understand

but a looooooooot of people were sitting and even when Tim offered them to go to us they still were sitting

that's a mystery for me, to go to see your favorite band and sit all the time

with the same success you can turn on HD concert on DVD and with good sound system you will have the same experience


why not to jump, why not to scream, why not to sing, why the hell not to be a part of moshing once in a while

I have glasses, and it is not safe, but I did it twice last time:)

or should I write: EVEN I did it:)

therefore I sincerely don't understand why would you buy a seating place

what I did not like, were the metalheads









foooor real, while we were jumping they were motionless and it was hard not to beat them with my body parts

and I did

and I am not sorry even for a bit


Rise Against were greeeeeat

and problem with the hand did not stop Tim playing once song by himself:)

great sound

great songs (except for two: help is on the way and I don't wanna be here anymore, like coooome oooooooooon, how many shows do you have to have to notice, that people don't really react well to those songs)

when I got home on the last metro train I felt asleep in the dress without being able to change it

woke up at 3AM thinking I NEED TO EAT NOW!!!


my built-in glucose level testing system works perfectly fine for now:)

next morning I did not have a voice, but felt perfectly fine

the day after it I was barely walking, because my body ached so baaaaaaaaaaaaad for that intensive jumping:)

but it was worth it

and here is a simple test of how to understand was the concert good or not: lick your arm after show, if it is salted, everything went good:)

thank you, Rise Against for a wonderful evening!


one day I hope to hear this song live:

and thank you for remembering Dancing for rain that night :)

Monday, October 19, 2015

Finnish people will be perfectly fine in hell

if it is Crowley's hell


Finnish people stand a looooooooooooooot in lines

and by saying a looooooooooooot

I really mean it

went to Rise against

waited in the line to enter the arena

just to ENTER

and I came after all of the warm up bands were almost finished (so the main crowd was already there)

waited for 10-15 minutes


long line

then I waited for another 15-20 to give away my jacket and pay for it

I find it impossibly stupid to wait in line, when you want to buy a service

I bought a ticket, why would I want to spend my time waiting in line

is not it more logical to open all the doors at once and make couple more temporary wardrobes?

but nooooooooooo

Finnish people love standing in lines:)

I remember going to Metallica in Estonia many years ago and there were 75 000 people

I had not waited for more than couple of minutes

because with the right organization skills you will not have those waiting lines

but since all of Finns were perfectly fine with than

I guess they should not be afraid of Crowley's hell


Friday, October 16, 2015

Looks matter

a looooot

yesterday I was in the bus, when I saw a bug on a window

I was already franticly moving away from the window when I saw that it was a ladybug

and I thought

ooooh, that is a cute bug

now if you remove the red color, the fancy dots and lovely white spots you will have yet another creepy brown or black bug

and you will feel disgusted

but since it looks so nice you don't take it as a bug and you don't feel the need to move away

because it looks so gooood

therefore when somebody tells me "oh, looks don't matter, it is your personality that counts" I feel confused

the little brown bug may be the best bug in the world, but how would you know about that, if you instantly run away from it?

and ladybug may be the biggest bitch in the world, but you will give her a chance, based purely on her beauty

looks matter

not as much as your personality

but they matter

Rise Against

for those of you who happen to forgot the song

for a billionth time

just to annoy you


today they are performing in Helsinki




I am not in a mood to go

there is zero excitement in me today

it is a bad day

started bad

continuing bad

and most likely will end bad as well

I am surely will go

but I think I am gonna skip the warmer bands

because I don't really like them

but well

we will see

and we will jump

a loooooooooooooot

bad mood day can't change that


Thursday, October 15, 2015

Dear Columbus Blue Jackets

what the hell


I had not seen any game yet, but is it possible, that you decided to be like Espoo Blues (who lost again as well) and not win a game unless I watch it?

coooome ooooooon

four games played

0 wins



BOOOOOOBROOOOVSKYYYYYY!!!! what the hell is going on with you???

I heard the rumours, that he was thinking about going back to Russia, because his wife wants to go back

you know what

I am sure now, that every problem with athletes are because of their wives

some of them lie about domestic violence (you know who)

some of them force his man to change teams or even countries (are you one of them, Bob's wife???)

and I know it was not only his fault, because with the defensemen who defence nothing and forwards who forward nothing, but the lost hope we can't really win anything

at least our coach is trying to find new solutions

but should you not do that in the pre-season?

my team is falling apart

so get your shit together

and win that damned Stanley

we are the fifth line

and we are going to help you

but you need to help us too

stop being to emotional and lets play the game like we do

with confidence and style and respect

we believe in you

and lets forget those 4 games

Jana is back with you now

it is time to play good hockey


the one we played before

Bobrovsky, we believe in you and don't close your mind and torture yourself with self doubt

You are an outstanding goaltender and we know you will find your game eventually

Dear Columbus Blue Jackets, We Will Win Stanley Cup this season

without any doubts

For those about to rock





Weather forecasts and hair

they spend so much money on forecasts

or app developments

I have two weather apps on my phone and both of them told me yesterday, that today air will be dry

when I read that I usually straighten my hair, because I know it will stay straight


apparently you can hire my hair to be your forecast specialist

because I was surprised how hard was it this morning to straighten them

it instantly go back being wavy

I checked the weather apps again

same dry weather

looked out of the window, felt like a normal morning


my hair started curling before I even got to work and then the weather changed and there was fog


my hair knew the humidity will be high long before the weather apps :)

I have built in humidity sensor

my hair:)

wanna know humidity in Helsinki, don't trust apps, call me and my hair will give you an answer

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I like my dresses tight and short

I am in Heidi Klum team :)

my dresses now a little bit too short and a little bit too tight

but I suddenly found that I actually have very nice legs:)


I somehow always shared that old opinion: if she wears dress that is too short then she is definitely some whore


you can probably call me a whore now:)

because all of my dresses are short now

and I do get those judgemental looks from women

and I am okay with that

because if I like to wear those dresses

I will do that no matter what you think:)

I had wasted way too much time thinking about what other people think about me and how they see me

and that led me to low self-esteem and miserable life

my life is still miserable

but my self-esteem is no longer near being low:)

I, personally, do not think a dress can be too short

like my mother says "if it covers your butt, it is not too short"


my family is the best!

Irrational fears

I am a big fan of psychic shows

those ones, where those psychic people feel the other world, see the past, predict the future

I am watching the Russian show Battle of the psychics and every episode they show pictures of dead people

and eeeevery single time I prefer not to look at those pictures


I have absolutely no idea why

I do not believe in ghosts (I still think every "ghost" is a vision of other Multiverse person)

I do not believe that somebody can curse someone to death

or bring love and something like that

I do not believe in it

but eeeeevery siiiiiiingle tiiiiiiime they read some "incantation" I put one of the headphones off not to hear that spell completely

eeeeevery siiiiiingle time they show some "cursed painting" I never look at it longer than a second

I do not watch "cursed videos" and other things

I never look at photos from the crime scene

and I have no idea why

I don't

It does not make any sense since I do not believe in those things

that kind of fear is purely irrational

and still I do that


I am afraid of non existent things rather that real things

that is my problem

I find fear in things I can't see just to have something to be scared of

not a logical thing, if you ask me:)

just like with my fear of yetis

oh yes

I still have that:)

here is a picture of "yeti"

I never really looked precisely at it

not gonna do that tonight as well:)

my eyes run through the picture and rest on the safe right down corner:)

for no apparent reason

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Old souls

not my typical pick

but I love it:)

I am sorry

it bothers me that so many people know about this place

I can't write what I really think, because it may hurt their feelings

I can't post pictures I want to post, because it may hurt their feelings

does the fact that I am breathing hurt your feelings too?

how about you leaving and me staying in my silent harbour with my uncensored thoughts

I want to go back to when I could had written any crap I wanted about any person I knew (with no real names used)

now this place is like Finland trying to look good, while desperately not wanting any refugees

I am trying to keep this place censored for my friends, while desperately not wanting to do that

so I have a suggestion

how about you leaving this place?

because I will be writing the shit I want

and I can promise you, my thoughts will hurt your feelings and I will lose some of my friends

because, like I already mentioned, people do not want to hear anything bad about themselves and it does not matter if I think, that they are good, if I don't like some part of their personalities it automatically assumed, that I do not like that person

I like all of you

I just don't like some of your actions


this is a polite warning

if you are not capable of reading something that may hurt your feelings, you should forget this place

because I am tired of playing the good girl


Monday, October 12, 2015


are practically finished with filming

and soon we will see it

not a movie

but a short series (6 episodes)

I am not sure about the trailer

it feels a little bit forced

Gillian Anderson is getting hotter with years, while David looks too tired and kinda used :)

30 seconds

For thirty seconds

thirty endless seconds

according to annotation on the bottle for such period of time you should use Listerine

now the question is: HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT???

my record is 15 and I was almost crying

that thing just burns out everything in your mouth

and for another 15 seconds I was running in the bathroom with my mouth open trying to get some cold air in


do people actually do those 30 seconds?

try and let me know

thiiiiiirty seeeeeeeecoooooonds

Thursday, October 8, 2015


sometimes you just need a song for jumping


Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The Hundred Code

I love Scandinavian criminal series mainly because you never know how it will end

it is not like in USA, when almost everything is with happy ending


eeeeeeveryone can die at aaaaaaany moment

started watching The Hundred Code

still don't know how it will end

and who will die

besides those ones who are already dead

and who the hell is standing behind all of that???

and yes

Dominic Monaghan is back:)

the theme song is Seinabo Sey - Hard Time

Who is the happiest person on Earth today?


the temperature today was below zero and everything was covered in beautiful ice crystals

not yet snow

but something almost as exciting :)

the winter is coming



Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Daniel F. Gerhartz

some drawings get stuck in my brain

but I can't get rid off the feeling, that I am no longer sure are those drawings real paint drawings or some sort of Photoshop creatures

I hope they are real


7 mistakes

out of 16



just maaaaaaaaaybe

Chinese is too hard for me

it was the simplest tasks: choose the right length of syllable


there were 4 syllables and 4 ways of pronouncing them

you know

should not be thaaaaat hard

I listened to the syllables three times and was sure I got it right


the answers in the book proved me wrong:)

but I will continue trying to learn some basic Chinese

Monday, October 5, 2015

How do you start planning?

I have troubles focusing on one thing

my pile of books proves that I can not even read only one book

so when I try to figure out what I should do next

I always end up with thousands of possibilities and no certain one to chose it

they all look good

but I can't take them all

how do I eliminate the others and chose only one?

not necessarily the right one (we all make mistakes)

but only one?

how do you plan everything?

when you have so many different paths to create

I need help with that

Are white people...dead?

I am reading again the books I had read when I was a kid

I do not remember them almost at all

just the main idea of the book

this week my book is Jules Verne "Captain Grant's Children"

found one interesting thought: some Australian aborigines thought, that white people are black people risen from the dead

well, that...kinda,,,makes sense:)

are white people just dead black people?

of course not, but I never thought that we look weird for black people

maybe it is hard to accept  for them, that we don't have color in our skin:)

if to take it to the whole next level, maybe white people are civilized zombies, who managed to reproduce themselves

because why the hell not :)

it is generally believed, that our ancestors were from Africa and had typical African people features and white people developed mutating from generation to generation until we become as pinky white as we are

but if we are already mutants

why can't we be civilized zombies at the same time?:))

maybe the first of us were, indeed, risen from the dead


maybe deep down black people still don't feel comfortable with white people, because we are dead for them

maybe I am legend had some truth in it

only that we were capable of being normal like-human beings

you can think what you want

but this week I believe I am zombie


oh, and if you are afraid of dead people

just don't come here


I laughed louder than I would like to admit

and I am still laughing



click on the picture if it is not playing

that is, indeed, unexpected :)

Friday, October 2, 2015

This world is a negative space

as for now

everything annoys me

because I am not certain of what I want from life

I destroyed my previous goals, but had not been able to build the new ones

and this uncertainty kills me

I can not even decide should I stay in Finland or should I go back to Estonia now

and I don't understand how that happened

was it because I so easily dropped my dreams

was it because I lost any hope in people

was it because I understood there is no love and with the right amount of time and attention you can pretty much fall in love with anybody

was it because I don't even try anymore?

I do not know

but I took the wrong path

and I need to build the new one

as soon as possible