Sunday, March 30, 2014

Hand Of Sorrow

woke up with the words stuck in my head
So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed
took me awhile to remember where are they from

this beauty:

good old Within Temptation :)

would you mind if I hurt you?

I do not care anymore

I feel like if I do not care anymore

people killing people?

I don't care anymore

companies polluting the air?

I do not care anymore

not responding to my texts?

I do not care anymore

lying to me?

I do not care anymore

starving African people?

I never cared

everything that once was important to me lost its value

everything that worried me once, lost its importance

I do not care

and it doesn't even scare me

the only thing that still matters to me, is animal testing, I still check every company and product I use, so that it is not tested on animals

I already cared enough in my life

now it is my time only

and you can all go to hell, if you want to

I do not care



decided, that I need to go out more

therefore I'm going to buy some Estonian magazines to see what is happening in April and I will visit at least ten events

let April be the communication month


join me

*not literally :) just buy some local newspaper and go somewhere

What kind of army is it?

I do not understand people very well, therefore sometimes some acts confuse me way too much

like with the Crimea and Russia

ooookay you wanted to reunite with Russia again

that I understand

what I don't understand is the army question

some military bases in Crimea just switched the flag on the building and were very happy to be back in Russia

but doesn't army guys swear allegiance to the country they serve?

like, you know, Ukraine, in which Crimea used to be?

and so one day they decide, f'ck it, we are part of Russia now

I would not wanna be protected with the army men who change their mind in the blink of an eye

you had swore to Ukraine, no matter what Crimea people decide, you must be part of Ukraine army, not Russian

I may be exaggerated, but if some war next to Ukraine happen, do you really wanna be depended on army, who can change their flags and swears so easily

pay me and I will fight against my own people?

it feels like it

not cool, Crimean army, not cool

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I have one serious problem with Brooklyn Nine-Nine

it is so freaking funny, that it feels like one episode lasts not for 22-23 minutes but only 5

you just sat to watch it, and it already ends leaving you laughing like insane


I love this show

and I do know that it has mixed ratings, but for me it is hilarious, it is that show, when you watch it and laugh, not being overly thinking, but not being stupid as well

except for fart jokes, fart jokes are not funny, NOT FUNNY

it either you get this show or you don't

I get it and I love it:)

and you may think it is some stupid show with stupid jokes about stupid cops

but I don't think so:)

and they have such a loooooovely loooooove stoooooory

Friday, March 28, 2014

Does it?

does this thing even need charging?

I play three-four times a week for half an hour or hour and I had not charged that thing since January


I charged it once in December, because I thought that it has no charge after two hours of playing, well, I'm sure now, that even then it did not need to be charged


I read a lot of comments that it becomes empty very quickly, well, can it be so, that I had bought the awesome controller from the awesome release for awesome people?

for me it seems so

and just to be mean to X-box lovers, my sister told me, that her controllers are very heavy and the batteries (I was surprised they still use batteries) need to be fully recharged after two-three hours of playing


Thursday, March 27, 2014

PMS is real!

seriously, boys, if your girl acts weird for a little period of time, just do not even try to understand why

accept it and forgive her

it is just non controllable

I get angry on every little thing

I even can get angry at the way somebody breathes

I'm not kidding

hearing people breathe irritates me sometimes to the point when I want to shout DO YOU REALLY NEED TO BREATHE THAT LOUD????

and I know a lot of girls with the same attitude

therefore, don't think it is your fault and you did something bad

just try to manage it as calm as it is possible and do not mention anything after


the knowing of it can save a lot of relationships

weeee caaaaan't controooool it

but, of course, if your girl is always bitchy, then she is just not into you

or if she always have some mood changes, then she is most likely moody jerk as I am



Girls should not be smart

it causes a lot of problems

My darling


you are just

in thaaat mood

it is hard to explain it, but when you feel it, you will understand it


my darliiing

I don't like Captain America

but when Chris Evans looks like a normal man, he is pretty damn hot

Monday, March 24, 2014


I was listening to one internet radio and heard a nice song Anthrax - Only

thought, that, well, an okay song, not awesome, not awful

but what happened next surprised even me

I started loving this song only because of one single word


not the magnificent guitar solo

not the lyrics

not even the whole chorus part


one world:)


in the chorus part, and not the first "only", but the second one, which he sings more like


especially, that eeeeeeee ei part


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Would he?

 here is an interesting question:
Would the boy you were, be proud of the man you've become?
it is interesting how many of you can say Yes, without hesitation

and if that simple question stopped you for more that a second, then you really should do something about your life

 for girls, obviously, it is
 Would the girl you were, be proud of the woman you've become? 
she would not be completely proud, but she would not be disappointed as well

I still do not my own family

I still do not have kids, nor do I want to have them

I still did not invent something

I still did not get Nobel Prize and I really wanted it, when I was young

I still have lack of concentration

I still am ill (I got ill when I was 11, remember? and I was sure, that by this time I would be healthy)

and I'm not proud of some actions that I did being hopelessly and sickly in love with the wrong person

but she would be proud, that I never betrayed anybody

she would be proud, that I got free education and that I do something useful

she would be proud, that I have great friends and not the ones that come and go

she would be proud, that I did not turn into manipulative bitch

she would be proud, that I am not coward and sometimes do things, that require some bravery

and she definitely would be proud, that I still love my family

on the other hand, I think about all the bad people out there

what would some serial killer think, if somebody asked him this question

what would anybody think, if they did something not good

the man, who stole money from old lady

how would he look into the eyes of the boy he was and say it to his face: I stole money from a nice old lady, because I needed to buy drugs

that simple question:  Would the boy you were, be proud of the man you've become? can tell about you more, than any psychologist will

so think about it

and decide how to live after

may be you still can became a spaceman

may be you still can stop wasting your life in alcohol and create something beautiful

build the house that you drew when you were little kid

or get a dog, that your mom refused to take in home

just keep that question in mind, every time you want to make something bad or doubtful

and "it is not my fault, it is what society made to me" is not an excuse

become the (wo)man you wanted to be, when you were a kid

and I still be aiming for Nobel Prize

because that's what she always wanted


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Stardust and endless space

I try not to think a lot, but sometimes I get stuck on some idea

if you are not religious, then you already know, that we consist of the same matter as everything in the space

the particles of your body could have been a part of a star or dinosaur or anything else

it is still hard for me to accept it completely

the billions of those little tiny atoms that your body consists of

each one of them is connected to each other

and somehow they grouped into me

they created my brain and allowed my brain to control them to some extent

that just blows my mind

how the hell is that possible

how the hell would it be possible to create similar organisms over and over again

why we do not differ from each other

why can't we, consisting of the exact same atoms, develop into something bigger, smarter or on the contrary, why can't you dissolve into nothing, when you want to

and what about death

everything has a starting point

the death has the starting point

the point of destruction

it must be starting with the failure of the smallest particle of your body, which will start the destruction of whole body

you do realize how small those parts are, don't you?

it just blows my mind, that any sudden movement may start the process

and you will never know what was the beginning of the end

and what about thoughts

it is the product of my imagination

what are thoughts consist of?

they are not physical

but you do create them

with what do you create them?

do you create them with the atoms of your brain or do you inhale stardust and use it as construction bricks of something you won't be able to see

you see, those are the things that freak me out

I can't explain it

and it is bothering me

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Some bands sound better live

Coldplay is definitely one of them


I never liked Paradise, but in live it sounds so good:

I seriously do not understand what they do with his voice that it sounds like little boy's voice on their records, but live he sounds soooooo gooooooood

The older I get

the more I realize, that I should stop pretending to be interested in dating

because I like being single

I like having my male friends, without any hard feelings involved

when I was talking with the married girl  the work, we were talking a lot (slow days happen in geodesy too) and somehow started talking about how her husband would not allow her to sleep in anything besides lingerie

not even in pajamas

yesterday I was going through my things and I found my hockey jersey that I use as sleeping wear and I somehow had sudden clarity moment

I wanna sleep in my super oversized jersey when I want to

I wanna look like hobo when I want to

I wanna not combing my hair when I want to

I wanna jump on Rise Against concerts when I want to

I wanna scream on hockey games when I want to

I wanna wear my faux leather dress with my faux leather boots

I wanna do all the things that are not considered being girlie when I want to, even though I understand, it is not acceptable for most of the men, who are looking for a good representative wife in their life

I can compromise to some extent, but not much

I'm already tied down with my medicine

I do not wanna be stuck with one man, who wants me to do the things he wants to do

I wanna be free from that

I guess that is the sad truth of my existence, I would not be able to find a man, who will accept my sick twisted mind, as it is, not as it should be

and that is perfectly fine for me

I just don't wanna be married

and from now I will stop pretending that I want to


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The song that I should not like, but I do

for no apparent reason

lalala la


Sunday, March 16, 2014

I rarely use names

and I noticed, that I never use names of actual people here (except for public figures)

if you know me personally, then you probably already noticed that I almost never say your name when you are present

when I'm talking about you with somebody else, then yes, I call you by name

the only people I call by names all the time are my family members, except for mom and dad, because they are always mom and dad:)

I'm not really sure why I do that

may be because it feels to me that the more you call somebody by his or hers name the closer you get

it is like an invisible bond being established between you and me

and it seems to me I do not really want to be tied down:)

Saturday, March 15, 2014

"I'm too kind"

is the real answer of many girls to the question: what is your biggest weakness

and I'm not kidding

I started looking through dating sites to see who happen to use them and was looking through girls pages too


apparently it is one of the most popular answers: I'm too kind and I'm too caring and I'm too shy

oookay, shy ones, you have great bikini body pictures in your profile


I'm bit confused, do people really lie thaaaaaat much to be more attractive?

My biggest weakness: I'm moody jerk who can go from +100 to -100 in seconds, I wish there had been more honest answers in profiles, even if they sound not as cute as "I'm too kind"

I, personally, read "I'm too kind" as if it is "I'm too weak to say no to anybody and therefore I suffer from my indecisiveness"


oh yeah, seems like if I need to add "tend to overthink everything" in my weaknesses

at least I'm honest

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I do not like this song

but I watch the video on this song inappropriately often, because I find Dierks Bentley one hell of a haaaaaaaandsome man


yeah, I'm into country today


like always:)

I do not wanna be like Sherlock anymore

don't get me wrong, I still love both of them with all of my heart and I still wanna have their imaginary brains (I'm talking about Sherlocks in Sherlock and Elementary)

but I don't wanna tell everybody what I am thinking about somebody

I realized, that people just don't wanna hear anything bad about themselves and I am no better

I do not wanna hear, that you think that I walk in funny way, I know that and I do not need to hear it from anybody else

I do not wanna hear that you think my dress is ugly, for me it is not, it is a matter of taste

I am trying now not to critique people

nobody needs to hear anything bad about them, even though you think it will help them

it will not

it just will put a negative thought in their brains and you do not know how it may affect them in the future

if you have something bad to say - remember: it is your personal point of view and it may and most definitely will be wrong, because you do not have sufficient information to judge

if you have something good to say - just say it

people need to hear positive things

Compliment people!

it is interesting to argue with Sherlock, but it is not healthy to live with him


I no longer have headaches!

because they moved

to my heart


yeah, I feel like falling apart, but yesterday I was watching Good wife and for several seconds I could not even breath, because the pain was so intense, then it became less active, but I felt for couple of hours that my heart is being squeezed and every movement made it worse

in my interpretation of pain, my pain bros got tired with dancing on and in my brain and decided to move to my heart to have some fun there

not funny, pain bros, not funny

I need a super glue to glue the falling apart body together:)

I'm too young to die

How much does your dignity cost?

I got a job offer from one of my friends

a well paid job, that I can do without leaving my geodesy world

it is not a bad job, not selling drugs or anything illegal, it is real estate sort of consulting secretary

the thing is, I truly believe that the job that real estate agents do is not in any way worth the money they get

I consider this robbing people for the job, that should be paid at least 75% less than it is now

since I decided to become rich it is a good opportunity to develop starter position into something big

but the question is: How much does my dignity cost?

the more I think about it, the more I understand, that I won't take the job, because I will betray myself

and if I betray myself, then I was worth all the lies that I got

I think I should stick to my belief

which is: real estate agents are legal thieves

and I should find another way to earn money

Monday, March 10, 2014

Matt Czuchry

thank you "Good Wife"

and thank you, Matt Czuchry parents, for bringing this cutie pie to life:

Unnecessary feelings

today in the tram there was a homeless man who slept

and he smelled baaaaaad

reeeeally baaaaaad

but what I understood, is that I was not angry as all, like I used to be

I used to think, "die already, you little smelling piece of crap"

but today I just thought, well, he has the right to smell bad and after all he may smell bad for me, but may be it smells good for him

being angry is unnecessary feeling when it comes to people you don't know

it is the matter of life choices they make and it is their decision to choose the life they lead

so why the hell should I be angry at them?

especially when it comes to smells

I am not lying, but some fragrances makes me wanna cut my nose off, just no to smell it

and right now I am talking about Roberto Cavalli fragrances

does that mean that I should hate every person who wears it? obviously not

homeless person chose to wear the smell of alcohol

you chose to wear Cavalli

I chose to wear the only fragrance that I own (because I'm picky jerk, who likes almost nothing, but if I find something, I stay with it) which is Christina Aguilera "Unforgettable"
I became less irritated and much more friendlier, because I'm getting rid off unnecessary feeling

and you should try that

it can make you enjoy your life more


Sunday, March 9, 2014


it is fun to watch how people always chose the same patterns over and over again

it is fun to watch how you already know what happens next and how it will affect you

but it is not fun to know what comes next when you still remember what happened before and how bad it made you feel


at least I'm prepared


bring it on, biatch

Men, who wear club scarfs

I like them a lot

right now I'm talking not about people wearing scarfs on the games, because that is like requirement if you go to the game, but I'm talking about men in suits and coats who still wear club scarfs

several days ago I aw an old man being all that suited up and he still put his scarf, I just wanted to say, that I respect those kind of people

They give me the sense of comfort and I somehow sure that they are happily married

I prefer to think, that if a man chose his sport team and stays with that team in good and bad times for many many years and still wears their scarf even when he doing some business, he is a good family man

you know, the one who stays with his wife in good and bad times, not changing her if somebody new comes in sight

it is called loyalty, loyal to the team for many years and keeps supporting it even if he team is falling apart, I would like to think, that he treats his wife the same, he is not leaving her when she got in car accident and now has to be in the wheelchair


it is hard to be loyal in the world full of opportunities and easy choices

therefore, dear women, if your man has a team that he supports for many years, stop yelling at him for wearing the scarf all the time and be happy that you have a man, who knows what it is - to support someone no matter what


I have not done that in a while

but yesterday I slept with my player

just could not get enough of this song:

it crawls under your skin and fills all the emptiness with the magnificent music

it suppose to be sad song, but for me it is beautiful sadness, which is nice

just try to shut down all the outside noise and listen to music and voice intonations


Thank you, Matthew Perryman Jones

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Being friends

it happened so that I have more male friends that female friends

yesterday I was talking to my best friend (she is a girl) and she mentioned, that her friend in Finland does not have Finnish friends, even though she is living there for years and when I asked "why is not she?" my friend said "well, it not like if we have Estonian friends too"

weeeell, I have three Russian girl friends and three Estonian male fiends + 2 Russian ones and half Finnish one:)

this is my friend circle: my Fat ass friend (who is not fat at all, but still), my hockey bro, my third one and two very strange Russian friends:) the one with whom we always fight about every little thing and one who appears like a ghost and then disappears

I know plenty of men (well, d'oh, I'm construction surveyor:))) and at some point of life I was in love with each one of them, same with my friends, but what I understood, is that you subconsciously give time for every man during what you can be more than friends and when you feel that time already passed you will be just friends, or, no, not just friend, but more like awesome friends until something big may happen

but something big rarely happens, therefore I do have plenty of male friends with whom I am comfortable to talk about pretty much everything:)

may be I should organize my next birthday party with all of them to see how much they differ from each other and how good they are

therefore, girls and boys, don't plan anything on July 10th:)

we will be awesome friends!

Flyin Home

I wish there would be more rap songs like this:

Is not it racist?

today I found out that there is Cosmo for Latinas

guess who is on the cover each number

well not that hard to guess, is not it?


but lets go a little bit further

I present you annual Black Women in Hollywood event

now just for a second lets imagine "Cosmo for white ladies" and "White Women in Hollywood"

do you feel it?

smells racist

but when it is not oriented to white people, then it is okay

yeeeeah, it is confusing how being racist works only one way

not cool

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Phillip Phillips helps me understand that I'm not a robot

so much happiness in one song

that you just wanna dance and sing with him

If you listen close you'll hear the sounds of all the ghosts that bring us down
Hold on to what makes you feel
Don't let go, it's what makes you real
If the flame goes out tonight
Yeah we live until we die

Dear Simon Baker

would you be so nice and teach me how to be so happy all the time?


Monday, March 3, 2014


soooo, I look through all the nominees and I feel ashamed, but I had not seen any Oscars nominated movie

not one



I guess I am indeed not a movie person at all

but nevertheless, sorry, Leo, for not winning again and congrats to Jared, Oscar not for "best song", but support actor, while being professional singer, well, thaaaaaats cool:)

biggest surprise on the red carpet: Lady Gaga

she looks amaaaaaaaaaaaazing:

I'm ill


and I hate being ill

everything hurts and body temperature is too high

I'm not one of those who lay down in bed and make other people do all the things

if I am alone at home, I always crawl under the blanket on whatever stable surface and I sleep as much as I can

but if I'm not alone, I will burn alive, but I will never say that I feel bad, because I am kinda tired of explaining that, yes, I have diabetes, but I'm healthier than you are, deal with it

and laying down all day will significantly decrease the veracity of that statement

therefore, if you see me tomato red, don't even try to ask "is everything okay with you" because I will lie


Mister Miller

is no longer in Buffalo Sabres

he is Blues man now ( St. Louis Blues, not Espoo :)

Ryan was probably the first goalie that I really liked, the shining star of dying Sabres

I still like him, but seems like if he forgot how to be a super mega awesome goalie and relaxed a bit too much in Buffalo, may be being goalie in St. Louis will help him to relaunch his talent

not like with big bear Nash, because dear Nash had karma bitch slap on the Olympic hockey team, he still won the gold medal, but he can be easily named one of the least useful players of the team, because, lil bitch, you should not leave our team

with mister Miller it is so that the team doesn't need him, and he does not need the team, so it is a win-win situation for Ryan, no hard feelings, had not been a captain as well, therefore, Ryan Miller, welcome to  St. Louis Blues!

wish you win the Vezina trophy this year


I still believe in miracles


Saturday, March 1, 2014

Happy New Spring!

not like if we had some normal winter, but still

Happy New Spring!!!


Hate-song that I love waaay too much

it makes me smile:)

Hate your lack of common sense and I'm tired of compromising
Take a good look in the end, 'cause it's just on the horizon
I've been wrong about a lot of shit, this I know is true
There's a hundred fucking things that I hate about you
I just love it:)))

Date me?

sometimes I feel alone, but never lonely

lately I started to feel a little bit too alone, so I am starting thinking again to go to some dating site

but you see, one of my problems is that sometimes I can't just shut up and say what I think without making it sound appropriate


and that can be too much to handle

once on some date he started talking about how bad are people who eat meat


I'm vegetarian myself, but I just could not keep my mouth shut and we kinda got into argument, where I defended those who eat meat and he called me bad words for betraying green way of thinking

I'm no longer green, apparently:)

I still do not eat meat, but seems like I'm not enough fanatic to be called green

that's okay, I prefer black anyway:)

and that is just one example, I do not fight, but I say what I really think without pretending to think the same as man does

and it does not help me

but since I'm no longer planning to die alone, I am gonna think about registering on some site


In this moment

I love this band more and more

I even checked tour dates to see, whether they are coming to Finland

unfortunately, not yet