Friday, August 31, 2012

I was at a hospital

a week ago

planned surgery on my left leg

that was weird

felt like a robot:)

I was the first one to go that day, so in the early morning I had a consultation with my lovely lady surgeon, and she explained me everything and showed me how my vein is looking like (it was twice a size of an average one, like whaaaat, I had  a mutant vein in my leg:)))

so when the get me into the operation room, there were plenty of people and only one man: the anesthesiologist, such a wonderful man:) I had a spinal anesthesia, so he made some holes in my back:))) and after that I felt nothing, like my left led hadn't existed and in a little bit same thing with the right one:) well that was weird, they are cutting something down there, and I don't even know if I still have a leg, or they decided to cut it off:)))

the operation nurse had some troubles with my arms, because they are so thin and she said, that she couldn't put it in the wrist:)

so I was just lying there on the bed without knowing if I have legs or not and because I had nothing else to do, I started looking at my monitor, where every number was perfectly green:)  not even for a minute did my heart beat changed

same solid and calm:)

I loved that

after the surgery the anesthesiologist himself took my bed to post op room, like yeah, usually nurses do that, but I was escorted by anesthesiologist, cos you know, people tend to like me:)

and then I started shaking like if I was in extreme cold, but what is weird, my pulse hadn't changed even then:) the nurses put me in three blankets, despite the fact that I told him I'm not cold, weeeeeeeell, the little thing they put on your finger showed that I'm dead:) for real, it couldn't get any life from me (only the cardio one had all of the data), that was funny:) they even had to put a glove filled with hot water under my arm to get some, but nope, I was still dead:)))so I was lying there, with no life, shaking out of "cold" but still the cardio monitor that they had showed them I am perfectly fine and healthy and I felt that too. after half an hour or so I suddenly stopped shaking and all of the anesthesia from my legs was gone, I couldn't move them while I was shaking and all of the sudden like if my brain had some command: You are now free of anesthesia. You may use your legs. I love my body:) it is working on its own way:)))

when I got to the room where all of the things and beds are, I was lying there under the dropper just waiting to go home:) it was somewhat 11AM, the doctor told me, that because I have diabetes I will probably go home the next day, welllll, obviously, I'm the wrong person with Diabetes:) when she came to check me at noon I had restored my ability to move completely:) she wrote all of the papers and told me, that after the dropper will be empty, I may go home, yeap, just like that:) not even after 4 hours after the surgery:)

but I had a problem with the dropper, it worked so slow, that I had to sit there for THREE MORE HOURS just waiting until it is over:)

and yes

I had pinky one!

lovely isn't it?

like every single person in that hospital:)

Love you all!

now I still have some troubles with bending my leg, because I have to wear elastic bandage on my leg and it is so tight, that I can barely move it, so if you see me walking like a penguin, it is not because I practice some new walk, but because I am wearing that elastic bandage:) but I think I managed to move pretty well now, it is not so obvious that I have problem with my leg:) or at least I hope so:)

Opera, girl

you are slowly killing me

I don't know what are you doing there, smart IT people, but it looks like the more you update the Opera, the more unstable it becomes

seriously, may be you should go back to the times when everything worked fine and stable and drop all of those additional features you add every single update?

today I was so angry, that I even said in my head "Opera, bitch, it is either you start working like you had been working long time ago, or I will change you"

and I don't have any ideas how the hell do they do that

but exactly right after that thought I got a message, that "do you want to update your Opera"?


is it some sort of a thought reading browser or what?

it is freaking me out a bit :)

like with that google thing


but nooooo

apparently I now have one


because I have a blogspot and as long as I remember it is owned by Google, so every single time I'm logged in here, I am logged in youtube

and google search

and whatever thing google already has

I don't like it

I don't want it

I hate it with all of my heart

I want to stay anonymous on youtube, because I sometimes listen to songs like this one (you can throw rotten tomatoes on me):

shut up

or like this one:

shut up once again

or even like this one:

and I don't need youtube to know about that, I just feel like if some robot is constantly watching me


so yeah, dear Google, my new search engine is now Bing

mainly because they don't give a f' about what I am listening to

and don't put thousands of ads to my searches

and tracking protection

and hey, Microsoft guys, if you really put "Do not track"-flag set by default option in your Internet Explorer 10, I will be all yours!


Pictures that make me smile

Do I need to add something?



Music for the last day of August

my new favorite song is this one:


I wasn't even sure, that Hoobastank still exists and hey, if their album have songs like that one, I am surely gonna return to them:)

every freaking line is awesome

and I love angry songs as you all know :) it gives me motivation

Closing my eyes, holding my breath,
Finish it now, get it over with.

and I wish I could do that:
This is gonna hurt you
More than it hurts me.

but I am still a caring piece of meat, loving every single person  that someday hurt me

All things have got to come to an end

but I will solve this problem:)


the second one is Three Days Grace

yeeessss, those boys are back too:)

I've been cut
I've been opened up
I've been shattered by the ones I thought I loved
I find this lyrics being bit way too emotional, but, hey, I'm okay with that

and the last one is not sad in any meaning and I am thinking about putting it as my new ringtone:)

Great Big Sea - Oh Yeah

already because of the band name you should like this song:)

it is so freaking happy , that it makes you wanna jump and scream Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah:)))

see, I'm not all that depressed

and where did I get that song?

Republic of Doyle!!!

if you want to watch something without drama and ugly dead bodies, then I strongly recommend you to watch Doyle:)))

I laugh every time I watch that show:)



I don't like this place anymore

that's why I am avoiding it

I can name this blog: The place of broken hopes and dreams

but I won't do that

allow me one more day of pure anger and disappointment and tomorrow I will try to fix this place

I am thinking about changing .blogspot name, because with my whole name and surname I feel bit too open

it is so weird looking back to all of those posts:)

it still hurts too

ooooh those plans



you know

Jackets winning Stanley last year

or me becoming biathlon star



lazy ass

I should be more constant and realistic about the goals I am trying to achieve

and I will be



Sunday, August 19, 2012




if you are the same whining piece of meat as I am, then you will looooooooooooooooove these two songs


Yes I miss you still And probably always will
I'm living with a busted heart that I will have until
I find the strength I know its somewhere in my bones
So pull the curtain up again and get on with this show
At least you know that I care enough to write

busted heart!!!

that is the exact word combination I was looking for:)

and the second one is "Always Summer"

I know that I have always walked the line
In between of confidence and lies
So many scenes are full of words I wish I could rewind

I feel like an idiot, sitting here, listening to this songs and smiling so hard it actually started to hurt:)


you needed a sign?

here you can have Yellowcard back with the most awesome songs that you need right now:)

I love you!!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


I am getting tired of people complaining about life

thats when I start playing that song in my head:

You're right, I get it
It all makes sense, you're the perfect person
So right, so wrong
Let's all live in your imaginary life

 I re-felt in love with Chevelle by the way:)

and Jars

ooooohhhhhhh thaaaaat song

seriously, the way he sings in the very beginning of the song word "Hold" gives me chills

sometimes I listen that song on a repeat only to hear that "hoooooold":)

but the whole song is perfect "oil that tastes like blood" should be the slogan of all green companies fighting against oil companies:)

and the most stylish video they have:

I guess I have a thing about men wearing layered clothes with black gloves:)))

hot hot hot


Tuesday, August 7, 2012


has landed on Mars!!!

NASA Lands Car-sized Rover on Martian Surface

NASA's most advanced Mars rover Curiosity has landed on the Red Planet. The one-ton rover, hanging by ropes from a rocket backpack, touched down onto Mars Sunday to end a 36-week flight and begin a two-year investigation. The Mars Science Laboratory (MSL) spacecraft that carried Curiosity succeeded in every step of the most complex landing ever attempted on Mars, including the final severing of the bridle cords and flyaway maneuver of the rocket backpack.

I'm not lying, I cried, when I watched this video:

and I'm not even ashamed!


dear scientists, you are the best people on planet Earth!

you rock!

Curiosity on Mars

Curiosity's Surroundings

This is one of the first images taken by NASA's Curiosity rover, which landed on Mars on the morning of Aug. 6, 2012. It was taken through a fisheye wide-angle lens on the left "eye" of a stereo pair of Hazard-Avoidance cameras on the left-rear side of the rover. The image is one-half of full resolution. The clear dust cover that protected the camera during landing has been sprung open. Part of the spring that released the dust cover can be seen at the bottom right, near the rover's wheel.

On the top left, part of the rover's power supply is visible.

Some dust appears on the lens even with the dust cover off.

The cameras are looking directly into the sun, so the top of the image is saturated. Looking straight into the sun does not harm the cameras. The lines across the top are an artifact called "blooming" that occurs in the camera's detector because of the saturation.

As planned, the rover's early engineering images are lower resolution. Larger color images from other cameras are expected later in the week when the rover's mast, carrying high-resolution cameras, is deployed.

Image Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech

I love you!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Long way to Imavere and back

On Wednesday we had an early morning inspection

and by early morning I mean 03 AM :)))

yes, it is still a mystery for me, why the hell people love fishing so much, so that they are doing it so early

nevertheless we had one pretty long working morning and I was home at 11 AM and despite the fact, that I had slept only 3 hours and had a long morning I had no desire to sleep

I have plenty of papers with the information about places you should visit in Järvamaa, I usually go to Türi and Paide, because it is close to my home, but because I had a free day I decided to go little further

so why not to go to Imavere!

it is about 35km from the place I live

the weather was simply afwul:)

thunderstorm and heavy rain and cold wind

but if I decided to do something, I will do that:)

my starting point:

yeap, we don't even have a normal bus stop here, you know, with a roof :)

in order to reach the destination, I had to take two buses, because I live in the middle of nowhere:)

but even when it is raining outside and you can't hide from it, I still am the happiest person on planet Earth :)

sleepy face, I knoooow)))

I had to change the bus and to do that I needed to go 1 km to the Võhma town

I looooooooved their coat of arms

the angry bull:

I was in a good mood that day, so I decided to mimic it

and this is my best try (I am bad in faking anything :)) :

do I look like angry bull? :)))

road to Võhma:

when I got there I hadn't knew where the bus stop was

so I just took the direction to railway station, because the bus stop is usually next to it

well not in Võhma :)))

after wandering in the city for a bit I found it! yaaaaaaaay, and even in the more middle of nowhere than where I live, they have big Konsum shop there, surprise-surprise

anyway, got to the bus stop to check the time table, well, hadn't found any bus going through Imavere, but I was sure, it must be there, because I looked in the Internet before the trip. there was a girl sitting and waiting for the bus, so I asked her, whether she knew what bus goes to Imavere, she answered, that she has no idea and that she is going to Tallinn


I was close to taking the first bus ignoring the fact where it goes, when a company of three young men come to the bus stop, there were 2 ordinary and one disabled (with no legs), so I asked them, and the legless man answered that I must take the Tallinn bus to go to Imavere, well that is strange, isn't it, girl who is going to Tallinn with a huge suitcase and not knowing it stops in Imavere?:))

so yeah, I was bit freaked out asking that, because I had never in my life talked to any seriously injured person and daaaaaamn, all those words in my brain were changing on a light speed, like "if I ask him what bus goes there, would it hurt him, because he can't drive himself? or because he hadn't been anywhere, because buses here don't have special entrances" and so on and so one, but he was very helpful and lovely, thank you!

and there it was


Estonian Dairy Museum!

look how clean the sky is:)))

I know I have strange ways of picking the places I want to see, but hey, that's me:))

I had waited for at least 10 minutes until the ticket lady appeared, apparently she was the only museum worker there :)))

walking towards the history of milk!

and some pictures of dairy production:

I was the only visitor then, so I decided to take some weird pictures, imagining I am some sort of a dairy industry lady:)))

here is me being not pleased mother of 2 kids, doing some oil:

"Why do I always have to do all of those things? Where is my husband??? Benjamin Ryan, top throwing wooden toys to your little sister Hjördis!!!"


"I'm going to destroy this world!!! - said the Evil"

"So, once again, you seriously think I will pay you thaaaaat much for your milk?"

"My husby!!!"

I was trying to stand like this mannequin, but desperately failed:)))

but we have similar smiles:

so I decided to change my husby into another one, and with this one I was more close:

and then we heard somebody screaming and we went to see whats wrong:

it was screaming:

I was frightened for a bit too, when I saw how creepy that thing is:)

*and no, it was not screaming

I liked the pictures there:

and the tub which was filled with cheese back to those old days:

damn, I had a lot of fun in dairy museum!

and the lovely museum lady offered me to try soft ice-cream:


when I went out of the museum, I looked at the time table to look when the next bus will be going to Võhma

and it turned out that mot in the next two hours:)))

so, after a short thinking I decided it is a waste of time to wait for a bus to Võhma for two hours and then I don't know how much, because the amount of buses to Särevere is extremely low:)

therefore I decided to walk those 35 km

and it was sunny

and it was raining

and I was tired

and was finally wanting to get some sleep after a long day:))

and then there was a thunderstorm

and I was walking

and walking

and walking

it suddenly went so hot, that the water from the road started to evaporate:)

during the walking I helped the little tiny frog to cross the road:)

I had a map with me, so I knew how much walking I still have, but soon I started to hate that map, because when it showed that I had reached Taadikvere, I was sooooo happy, that I walked 6 km so fast

well, too bad to be me:) apparently the map had its own way of putting the names, because I hadn't reached the next place (Eistvere) for at least an hour, and daaaamn I was tired:) at first I thought I hadn't noticed the river, but after another long walk I finally reached it and put my map to the bag, because it showed me hopes that the road is not that long:)

when I finally reached the bust stop in Kurla, I was soooooo happy, because I finnaly had some thing to seat on:)))

the bus stop with a bench!!!

yeeeeah, the ugly people broke the glass there, and I stepped on it, and because there were the parts of glass bottles I had injured my leg, so it started bleeding



I had somewhat 22km to go on

with a bleeding leg:)))

that's fine, I decided to go to Kurla, to eat something there and to may be catch a bus



when I finally got there, I hadn't found the place with a food:)

and the only bus stop I found was telling me, that there will be no buses

but I was not panicking, because the bus stop was inside the Kurla town and I was planning to go back to the big road, where the big buses are:) I was hoping to get on some Viljandi-Tallinn one

being lucky as I am, I hadn't found any bus stop outside, so I went to the next one:)

there was a bench on the next one!!!

the luck was back to me:)))

there was not timetable though, so I asked my friend to looked it for me, while I was taping up my leg

and the luck was gone again, because I got a text with the words that there will be no bus today

hell yeah

but I still had a good mood, so I put a smile on my face and started walking further:)

on one point I even started to look for the ways to move without using my left leg:)

apparently I was moving bit too weird, because one car stopped and offered me a lift:)))

lovely man was driving to Tallinn, so Särevere was on his way and he told me, that he decided to offer me help, because I was moving too slow:)))

I told him that he saved my life:) when he went red and answered, that "No, I hadn't" I told him "well, at least you saved my legs then!" :)))

*he was Estonian

we drove for 10-15 minutes and I have no idea how much would it taken from me to walk it:)

we wished to each other "have a good life!" and he drove away

that was such an amazing day:)

when I finally got home I was tired as hell, but happy:)

sometimes you have to do those kind of things:)

Saturday, August 4, 2012


Wanna show you some places I had been during my practice

for example, when we were controlling hunting and hunters we had checked hell of a lot of hunting huts like this one:

the hunting check is usually done in the evenings and early mornings:)

I hadn't seen hunters doing their hunting stuff, but we had checked hunters, that were driving for the hunt:) we checked their permissions and guns

yeeeesssss, I had seen a big gun:) hunting rifle


and this picture was taken two days ago:

then we were checking crayfishes

this is Paide lake in the night (about 23:30, American friends, that would be 11:30 PM)

if you are wondering, then I tell you it is not allowed to collect them by hand

you will need to buy a permission to use a crayfish trap to get them

those permissions are valid for 1-3 (3 days are maximum) and ONLY IN AUGUST!!!

and you can't just go with that permission and collect them whenever you decide you want to, nooooooo, they are valid only in the specific places:)


and what is more important, you may not get one, because they are very limited

yeah, I am pretty much of an expert in those things now:)))



Not to sound overly depressed

I still have my lovely friends (the man I loved, u too)!

and my lovely family!

and my lovely job!

Some music

Nonpoint - Left for you

there is not anything left for you


The Lumineers - Ho Hey

I endlessly love that song:)

little indie person in me

1,2,3 I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweetheart

And love, we need it now
Let's hope for some
Cause oh, we're bleeding out

I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweetheart
I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweet

cuteness overdose song:)

and look who is back

P.O.D. - Lost of Forever

space video, of cooooourse, I looooooooooove it

and my favorite song this week

Redlight King - Bullet In My Hand

There's someone looking out for me
I came out of the darkness
With a bullet in my hand
I got one more shot at livin'
I'm lucky that I can
Cause I got a little roughed up
Yeah I really got fucked up
I came out of the darkness
With a bullet in my hand

especially I love the part of
Cause I got a little roughed up
Yeah I really got fucked up

and the fact that lead singer is bald :)))

yeah, try to explain why there are wars on Earth to aliens

good luck with that

Friday, August 3, 2012

Do you know that the world is a happy place?

You do?

well, you are wrong :)

I kinda got into that apathy mood again

we all gonna diiiiiiie


so what


it is like i want to close my eyes and never wake up, but I can't, because I got used to this world:)

but I hate those days, when you feel the most ugliest person on planet Earth

when you look at every single girl and you think "well he would love to have that one" instead of "wow, girl, what a wonderful hair you have!!!"

and I tried, I really tried, I used as much make up as they do, I put the fake lashes etc and I felt like a lifeless doll, oh those days, when you look at the mirror and all you wanna do is to throw a stone on it, so that it would be broken in billion pieces

only to pretend to be a person you are not, just to be likable to the person you adore

that is the wrong motivation

but why is it so hard to completely let go and move on?

and people always lie

I don't know

I had been broken for more than a year

and I still can't put myself together

I can't fucking get over it

the man I loved, the man I liked, my coward Captain

and now every single time, when some man is trying to talk to me I always ask questions in my head "is it okay, that I'm not hot? is it okay that I have gray eyes, and not brown? is it okay, that I don't lie about being single? is it okay, that I am over sensitive towards lies? is it okay that I have my opinion about everything? is it okay, that i loooooooove hockey? is it okay, that I am a loyal fan of one team, despite the fact, that team is the worst in NHL? is it okay, to want the loving and caring man? is it okay to have my explosive imagination? is it okay to have hardly possible life goals? is it okay to want that much?

almost everyone say, that I have way too high standards and I'm waiting for a prince on a white horse

well, first of all, I don't even like horses and find fairytale princes way too gay for my taste

and all of that talks about "he must be blond, with light eyes, not too skinny, not to fat, not too tall, not too short, very smart, must love hockey" and billion other things is just to cover the ugly truth I only want caring and loving man and I can't find it, and not to look too pathetic, I made up those qualities so that it would look like if I'm waiting for something perfect (don't get me wrong, my perfect man would have been as I describe it, but we all know, there are no perfect men)

I hate it

I really do

I'm like a fucking left over puppy, who got lost and now is trying to find a new warm heart

but how can you trust somebody, when you always choose the wrong men?

I am tired

I am tired to the point that I don't take anything seriously now

wanna go somewhere with me? sure, lets go

hadn't call me, not a problem, I hadn't called you back either

was not invited? not a problem, you are just not into me

promised something and hadn't done that? not a problem, I am sure you have billion important reason for doing that

and so on and so on

I expect people to lie to me now

I expect people to promise something and then not doing that

I feel like a robot, who is destined to be send on a wasteland soon

and I don't mind

I am somewhat looking for a death now

have no fear left in me

working long hour in the woods and lakes? bring it on

going to the place you don't know? sure!

ask for a direction from a one leg man? that is something to be checked

take a seat in the car of complete stranger? hell yes, but if you try to kill me, I will take you with me

and so on and so one

running with death

because life turned out to be completely meaningless and pointless

world of lies, when people use paper to get something


imagine that aliens come to Earth and you will have to explain to then, that here we have fields, farmer uses papers to buy the seeds and machines to grow some food, but because he has not have enough paper he will take a loan in a big paper holding bank, who get that paper from different paper making sources. when farmer spent lots of paper and time on the field, he gets some food to be traded on a paper, so that he can build a house.

common sense? nope hadn't heard about it

the life is fake to the point, that people don't bother to change anything

just go with the flow they say

it is like living in a badly created multi-player game

while being ugly:)

but I will be beautiful tomorrow, I can't change the way i feel inside, but I can change the attitude to make sure people think I'm beautiful, which is perfectly working

and will continue running with the death, until one of us wins

I hate those low energy days

life is meaningless!!!

but have fun with that!