Wednesday, August 31, 2011

It is never too early

For this song:

Frank Sinatra - Let it snow

*Gone looking for Christmas songs CDs

** 91 days until winter


The day I start hiding from the rain under umbrellas/roofs/anything will be the day my inner child die

Apollo 18

The only movie, that I'm waiting for this autumn

Buuuuut, so far I had not got any information about whether it will be in our cinemas or not

Which is weird, keeping in mind that in USA it will be showing in two days and on our local cinema home page you can find information about the movies, that will be shown even next summer, but nothing about Apollo 18

Anyway, I'm looking forward to see that movie

Yeah, I'm one of those people, who loves movies about space

well, not like "loves", but more like "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES"


Moon is so far my favorite

We're Not Programs, Gerty, We're People

Fly me to the Moon, pa pa ra ra

*Frank Sinatra is awesome

So, yeah, I hope I will see Apollo 18 pretty soon

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Some images are left in your memory for ever

And I'm not talking about the bad ones

I'm talking about the good ones, you know, images, that somehow left there

It is like a slow motion video in your head

For example Psych intro, the part with Timothy Omundson

Daaaaaamn, how amazingly handsome he is there, throwing the bullets

I, myself, have only one that sort of an image

My last work partner (I still think he is one of the most handsome men in Estonia)

We were working in Metropol Hotel, doing the plans of two storeys

And that moment when he got out of the car in his blue t-shirt and he turned his head to me and smiled is the most beautiful picture of a man in my head

I can't explain why this particular image, just somehow it got stuck in my head with that slow motion:)))

Memory is a funny thing


Little things that make me smile

Finding beautiful numbers in ordinary things:

Monday, August 29, 2011

Icelandic music

I think Iceland has the most talented musicians

For example Ólafur Arnalds

So pure, so light and yet so deep

Or Sigur Rós

I do not understand a single word, but I really doubt they are singing about drunk parties

those songs are sad and happy at the same time

Or Jóhann Jóhannsson

The sun's gone dim and the sky's turned black
Cause I loved her and she didn't love back

in my world it is more like

The sun's gone dim and the sky's turned black
Cause I loved him and he didn't love back

Such a beautiful music Icelandic people make

I don't like Björk, though

The Happening

It is funny, how much you can love a director, whom most of the people don't like at all

M. Night Shyamalan will always remain my first he-is-so-freaking-genius director

Yesterday I watched yet again The Happening

And yet again I was watching it like for the very first time:)))

And I still think that Zooey is the most beautiful woman in the whole universe:)

Oh, those alien eyes

Anyway, does anybody know another director, who makes similar movies, that have a lot of details that make your brain think faster and analyze multiply things at the same time?:)

I will try to explain to you, how I watch his movies

I didn't want to become an official pirate and upload dvd rip on youtube so I took an official trailer instead

The scene about the bees: in front of your eyes bees are disappearing, biggest newspapers write about it in some way, and yet you don't know nothing about it, but you surely know who slept with Madonna, how many kids Jolie has and what song will be the next for Bieber. That shows how unnecessary information replace the important even for surviving information. False values

The scene with the cop and the gun: shows how many people one loaded gun can easily kill. And not like that gun was to protect yourself from, I don't know, evil aliens, nope, cop has a gun to protect people from another people. Who has the gun, has the power, I guess. I don't really understand how gun sellers and producers (even those women in factories, who are dealing with certain parts of the guns) can live happily. You know, that every gun will shoot at least once and yet you work there, and yet, you produce it and yet you sell it and yet you buy it. "but it is because we want to protect our country". bullshit. You export those guns to your enemies to get a profit.

The scene with the teacher: no matter how awful weather conditions are, it doesn't really matter, you have to go to school and you have to teach students, who have to come to school. Why? Because government said so.

The mood ring on his finger: color blue. Meaning: calm. If you hadn't watched the movie, at that moment he is looking on dead bodies on the road, and he knew that they were dead even without binocular. There is special type of people, who control their emotions (wish I may too) and even in the most stressful situations they will stay calm and take a lead and try to safe as many as possible (but not like soldiers with guns, but with brain, thinking analytically)

And those were only the first 50 seconds of a trailer:))) and not the whole 87 minutes movie

And it is not like if I was constantly pausing movie and sitting and thinking, hmmmm, what can that mean

Nope, those thoughts are like flashlights in my brain, constantly changing on some subconscious level


I love M. Night Shyamalan movies, even if he does those things not intentionally

Fun fact: the number of the train in the movie is


yeeeeap, sixty one

Why am I so happy?

Because it is the number of our Captain, Rick Nash

I've noticed, that in Shyamalan's "Devil" movie, the security guys were watching hockey game with Philadelphia Flyers. So may be Shyamalan put 61 not occasionally? I hope so:)))

Sunday, August 28, 2011


1 day until university

3 days until the end of the worst summer in my life and beginning of the best autumn

40 days until the first Columbus Blue Jackets game

94 days until the winter

125 days until New Year

Happy music, happy life

Like whaaat

only yesterday I realized, that it is no more a whole week until studying starts, but only 2 days:)

Well, at least I have my notebook (not the digital one, but you know, where you write on paper sheets)

I still don't really understand how it is possible, in university for the whole year you have only one notebook and one pencil and it is more than enough, when in school you have different notebook for each subject and zillion of pencils

Anyway, I guess it is time to write all of those reports, which must have been already done by now:)))

Happy music?

I felt in love with this song:

Gym Class Heroes: Stereo Hearts ft. Adam Levine

The only song in my play-list now

Somehow it gives me that warm feeling inside my yet empty body, that I used to had

After all, every single thing happens for a reason

And may be I needed to be thaaaaaaat broken all summer

To refill myself:)

May be he was planning to kill not only my soul and heart but the body too, and now I have my life and you can always build a new heart and soul:)))Who knooooows:)may be he is a killer:))*he is not **but who knoooows :))

I'm still thinking about him every single day, but thoughts are getting shorter and more bright :)

And this song, somehow gives you that "awww, I wanna hug you all and the world is perfectly beautiful place" feeling :)

I used to think, that I don't have my favorite place in Estonia

Which I always thought was strange, because I have those places in Sweden (Stockholm, the bench on a hill, from what you can have a lovely view on the city) and in Finland (Tampere, I'm not sure, but probably end stop of a 10th or 13th bus, anyway, that place, where you stand, and there is a huuuuuuuge stairways under your feet, and you get that feeling like if you are flying:)

But now I understand, that I always had that place in Estonia too, I just didn't know, it was that special place. Where? On the beach of course, buses 49 and 1A, bus stop: Mähe tee, then you go on the road to the beach, walk through short wooden road and then turn left and go until the second yellow bench, yeap, not the first one, but the second:) This is my place:) I always leave my clothes there and go for a swim, and I know, that you can walk 10m in any side and have more sandy sea bottom, but I love going on those little rocks. Have you ever tried to swim against the flow? 1 minute and you are already half dead:))) Anyway I love that place, and last 2 days I was there, recharging my batteries

I love watching the sea there, you can even imagine huuuuuuuge tsunami wave and still not be afraid of it, but have a thought about, wow, I will be the first one to die here:))) I respect the sea, I really do, I'm always talking to it (in my mind, of course), I even have my tradition of holding my right hand on the sea water before I swim and like moving it on the waves, like if I was saying hello to it:)))

No, I'm not crazy:)



I love the water, but I don't like to swim in the lakes or rivers. Why? Well, because I was always afraid, that the flow of the river can bring some dead body to you while you are swimming, that's why I don't swim in rivers:)))I know it is childish, but I can't do nothing with it, I used to be afraid to swim in the sea, when it is blooming (?) (you know, those awful yellow green things, that grow there and when it touches your body, it feels like someones hair, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww), but this summer I finally got over this fear:)But not in the rivers:)))In the lakes, it is different story, I think like the water there is dead, I knoooow, there are plenty of green things, insects, fishes etc there, but I just don't feel that energy what you get from the sea, it is like you are swimming in the bath, only much bigger, but with the same water (and I know it is renewing all the time)

so yeah:)

It is always good to know, that you have your place in your country:)

If I could only find a note to make you understand
I sing a song and the image grab me by the hands
Keep myself inside your head, like your favorite tune
And know my heart is a stereo that only plays for you

I told you, it is such a lovely song


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Estonian people make me happy


Well, because according to the latest poll results Estonia is the least religious country in the world!!!


Thank you, my non religious friends:)))

When Estonians were recently asked whether religion played an important part in their life, only 20% said yes. It suggests the Baltic country is, statistically, the least religious country in the world

After all, may be I'm living in the perfect country for me

*If only there were more my type of men and not that hot summer

If you want to read the whole article, then here it is

I was surprised to know, that there are plenty of my type of people like "Nature worshippers"

I guess nature is just more important to Estonian people than some questionable god character

And I love it:)

Somehow, I am pretty sure, that the majority part of those 20% were not even Estonian Estonians but Estonian Russians, according to my experience, our Russian truly believe in god, even in my family, they do not go to the churches, but still have all of those icons and other stuff. Yeah, and I'm not in those 20%, because I'm die hard atheist:)))The only one in my family

Anyway, like I've already said: Estonian people make me happy


Congratulations to our the least religious country in the world!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Rise Against


I'm melting like whatever thing that is, that melts:)


He has such a lovely daughter and he looks like being a good dad:)))

I'm sorry, but yet again:


How can he be so adorable?:)))


bearded man:)))

that sings about important things

and has such a lovely daughter


Maaan up, Jana, stop melting:)))

Man up song:

Berri Txarrak - Denak Ez Du Balio Feat Tim McIlrath

If you are wondering, then it is Basque language:)

I do not know not a single world of it, but I do know the worlds of the song, especially the chorus part:

Geroa eta iragana ezabatuak izan dira
oraina luze eta antzua, mutu itsua geure aurrean


*If only I knew the translation


Is it possible, to find someone like Tim, but only in Estonia?:)

I hope so

Dead by Sunrise

Inside of me:

According to lyrics I have to be all that sad and feeling lonely

I feel my time is slipping away,
(Every minute gone by seems like a day),
I'll never get back the things I lost along the way,
What the hell is wrong with me?
This isn't who I'm suppose to be

I feel all alone everyday,
And just so far away,
I know something's got to change,
Inside of me,

What is it that I'm running from?
My head is like a loading gun,
Every thought is trapped inside this web I've spun

What the hell is wrong with me?
This isn't who I'm suppose to be,

I feel all alone everyday,
And just so faraway,
I know something's got to change,
Inside of me

But somehow, I always want to jump when I'm listening to it:)))

Keeping in mind, that the only part in this song, that I like is the chorus:

I feel all alone everyday,
And just so far away,
I know something's got to change,
Inside of me

I don't really understand why, but that part always makes me smile despite the depressive lyrics:)

*Chester has an amazing voice

**Not as amazing as Tim has, though


The first street

and the first house

How you ever wanted to know, where is the first street in your city and the very first house?

I'm not speaking about the old houses and streets, not the oldest one, but in alphabetical order the first

Yesterday I found that house in my city

The first street in alphabetical order in Tallinn is Aarde street

And it is located not in some old town, but in the middle of private houses street

Here it is, the sign of the first house on the first street of my city:

Pretty simple, doesn't it?And in comparison to other houses on that street this house is quite sad

I was not sure is it allowed to take pictures of a private homes, so I took it bit aside, because standing with a camera in front of a house, that don't belong to you or any of your friends, well, thaaaaaaat may look bit too weird:

The street itself is like some street from the village, it doesn't look like it is my city:) I was kinda surprised, when I found out, that there are so many old houses located so close to the center:

I guess it is cool to live there, in the village in the city:))

And apparently they love red cars and gray cats:)

I'm planning to visit every street in my city

Monday, August 22, 2011

I am sorry

But I was laughing, again, like insane, after seeing those comics about scandinavian countries

Author explains his picture:

Oh how often I have been asked by Estonians, “Where is Estonia? We’re a Nordic country too!”

Problem is, the other Nordics doesn’t think so.

I asked around what the stereotypes for the Baltic countries were, and the overall answer was, “Very depressed people who wear grey and live in grey houses”

Estonia have a good relationship with Finland, which is why he doesn’t hide, but he doesn’t consider her a Nordic either which is why he doesn’t let her in. The Finland’ish hat is because Estonians are seen as being very much like Finns by the other Baltics.

by Humon


Love it, love it, looooove it:)

btw, when I was little, I was thinking, that we are Nordic country too:)))mainly because our appearance is so similar and our languages are from the same language tree branch (that means Finnish and Estonian are similar languages, and without knowing Estonian, they may understand the meaning of the sentence, without understanding each word, and with Latvian and Lithuanian we have absolutely nothing in common - I mean in language - even basic words differ so much, like they are from Africa or smth like that:)))

If you want to have a good laugh, then you are more than welcome to visit their page

I loved this one too:

I guess Finnish people like Estonian don't speak much too:)))

Saturday, August 20, 2011


oh that movie

Number 23

I wonder is it possible to watch one DVD so many times, that in the end player would not be able to play it at all?


Anyway the last time I decided to see all the extras there are on that DVD

Pretty interesting things I saw

About how numbers affect your life

Life path number is the number that you get when you add all of your numbers until you will get only one

For example: I have my birthday on July 10th 1986, so it is 10.07.1986 (or if you are from America, then 07.10.1986 and I still don't get it, why do you write this way, because it is more logical to use the system from the lowest to the highest so it is days-months-years, maybe they took it literally and because in the months there are only 12 of it they decided to put it first)

So my number is 1+0+0+7+1+9+8+6 = 32 = 3+2 = 5

Yes, I do have 23 hidden in my birthday:))) in fact, if you add 10 + 7 + 1986 you will get 2003

Apparently there is such a thing like natural match

Those are the numbers that are more or less similar to each other, so they connect to each other

1-5-7 Mind Numbers (people with 1,5,7 never stop thinking, have lots of ideas, they prefer to work alone, in their own way, you can say them what to do, but you should not say how they must do it)

2-4-8 Business minded Numbers (they work hard and they love it, it is like if they can't have enough money, even if they already have o lot of it)

3-6-9 Creative minded Numbers (always have to communicate)

So for me talking/making friends/finding The Only One will be much easier with people who have 1 and 7 as their life path numbers (for the 5, it is also a good match with a person who also have 5)

Now shortly about the numbers:

Number 1

What will make you happy: being number one in everything you do, feeling that you are respected

Negative: can be egotistical and overbearing to a point of discounting all ideas unless they are his own

Key words: competitive, very good leadership capabilities, enthusiastic, individualistic, stubborn

Number 2

What will make you happy: not looking for troubles, very good at social working, if your friends are in trouble, you will always help them

Negative: when they feel pushed against the wall, they will get angry, but when it's over they feel worse, that the person who got them upset, Difficulty making instant commitments,

Key words: peacemaker, mediator, warm, kind, co-operative, private, mystical, tactful, easily hurt as very sensitive, Need security and emotional support, dependent nature

Number 3

What will make you happy: communication, motivate others, express yourself

Negative: always give advices, whether you want it or not, proud, extravagant, exaggerated sense of Self

Key words: communication, motivation, counselors, natural comedians, sense of humor, good writers and actors, always busy, cheerful, idealistic, religiously minded, philosophical, adventurous

Number 4

What will make you happy: seek knowledge, no lies

Negative: constantly teaching how to do something, they will never forgive you if you lie to them, they just let you go, doubting,

Key words: strong need to know something new, can not handle a liar, serious, honest and sincere, strong sense of likes and dislikes

Number 5

What will make you happy: go on an adventure, strong need of freedom, they always dig for the truth, should not marry early

Negative: have to watch out drugs, alcohol, Need discipline and to practice tolerance and understanding to be happy and fulfilled

Key words: never get bored, freedom, adventures, restless energy, giver (in fact they are very good in giving and not as comfortable in receiving), love to celebrate life, natural detectives, versitile, he/she can do almost anything, intelligent, able to grasp process and access vast amounts of information and live many realities simultaneously, need variety, childlike at heart, trusting and innocent, Always look younger than their age.

Number 6

What will make you happy: Family is your main focus, attract people

Negative: Vulnerable to praise and criticism, May worry too much, Will spend long periods of time alone.

Key words: magnetic, responsible, good at damage control, Generous with personal material goods, Excellent teacher, good with children, in need of comfort, loving philosophy, fair minded, fine sense of justice, emotional, idealistic and imaginative

Number 7

What will make you happy: find faith (they often say who am I, what am I, why am I here)

Negative:sometimes they feel they don't belong to this world, may suffer from a troubled mind, lack of determination and resolve, trouble expressing feelings, can appear cold and detached, lack trust and courage

Key words: observers of life, writers, charming, lively, unpredictable, able to access subconscious information, a dreamer, sociable, sentimental, studious, analytical, Reserved and self-centered

Number 8

What will make you happy: master money, feel financially stable

Negative: have issues with taking advices, struggle with opposition, delays, failures, humiliation, age prematurely, suicidal tendencies, easily feel unwanted, unloved, neglected and rejected.

Key words: money, finances, Practical, Stubborn, Good judge of character of others, Self-confident, Executive abilities, Very Dependable, Ambitious

Number 9

What will make you happy: care about people

Negative: must overcome their own scars, they will never say they need help

Key words: humanitarian, incredibly responsible for the family, warm, real, direct, responsive, responsible. Always busy, work constantly. Broadminded, compassionate, dramatic in emotional expression, proud, disciplined, self sacrificing, universalist philosophy, community orientation.

So here it is, numbers:)

And do you know why? It somehow make sense, at least about me being 5

After the line "Always look younger than their age" I was pretty much shocked:))) Mainly because in my country lottery tickets are not allowed to sell to people who are younger than 16, and I am constantly being asked for documents when doing it (yes, I am 25, oh that look in their eyes, when they see my age). And about that we prefer to work on our own way, somehow, only after my trip to Aland islands, I realized how I prefer to work, thanks to Joonas who asked our fishy group before we begin working one simple question: How do you prefer to work? Only after that question I got it, that I love doing my own thing like I want to, give me the task, and I will solve it as I want to. So note for you: if I ask for your help and I do things like you want it to be done, you can be sure, that I'm pretty much into you, and I like you a lot:))) I think it is useless to talk about my constant need of freedom and adventures, when I write about my little adventures all the time:))) I don't have problems with alcohol, because for my own personal reasons I will never drink it and I don't understand why people let something affect their thinking abilities, I guess I have a part of 4 in me too, because of the "if you lie to me, I will let you go, and never take you back" but in a little bit softer way, I always give the second chance, but never the third one:)and yes, I have big issues with tolerance

Anyway, according to this so-called science, we all have 4 numbers: birth day, birth month, birth year and the sum of it as life path (the main number)

Mine therefore are: 1, 7, 6, 5

So I'm basically all that die-hard Mind number example with a little bit of soft number 6 in me, and family is very important to me and I do have long period of being alone

I guess in some part that is why I was so attracted to that person, because he is number 1, and we must have been good together

So, yeah, I'm number 5:)))

Numerology is a funny thing



Today I've watched Billboard top 50 2011

It seems to me, that songs at the top are all about money, alcohol, sex and having fun

Like what the hell, the most normal songs, which I can listen with the kids near the TV are country songs, where they at least don't dance half naked

It is kinda sad:(

And even Gaga who as I understood meets with kids a lot and call them little monsters

Like her every single video I saw was the video I will never show to my future Benjamin Ryan and Hjördis

I get it, that sex sells and boys love to see it on TV

But you can call me old fashioned, I'm against it

There have to be boundaries

*but I love this song and video, such a beautiful girl - The Band Perry - If I die young

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

The strongest line in the song: Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

So would you be so nice, girls, half of you already have kids, stop selling yourself

My little musical secret

I am trying not to listen to those kind of songs lately

Because, you know, it brings back all of the pain


I'm not ashamed to admit, even being all that into alternative music, that i simply love this song

And video is not that bad too

So, here it is

My little secret

Demi Lovato - Skyscraper:

*I do think, that she moves like Lacey from Flyleaf (not as broken yet, though)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Angels and Airwaves


Angels and Airwaves - Anxiety

My second best music band

Rise Against is more about the Earth, while Angels and Airwaves are more about the Universe

So, if you see me on the steer playing air-drums, that means I'm listening to Rise Against

But if you see me holding hands up in the air and whirling around, that means it is Angels and Airwaves


I love them, I do think they suck performing live, but in digital they are absolutely amazing

It is like you getting some special connection with Space

And the world is beautiful and the Space is friendly

I wanna see their movie sooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaad for I don't know already how long

Does it bother you, that we are not real?

I think even this trailer is already enough for me to love them much much more:)))

And I love this story:

So deep, so meaningful


I wanna fall in love

to really fall in love

When you know, that person will never leave you, even if you lose your leg, he will be there and he will be holding your hand while saying, it will all gonna be fine

you can call it "Even if" love instead of that true love, that people are using all the time until they will meet another true love and leave the first one:) that sort of love is "What if" love, what if I will lose my leg, will you still love me? When you ask that way, you can be sure, it is not that perfect love. It is when you know, that even if you lose he will be there


I can be such a fluffy puffy person sometimes


But I do believe in Even if love:)

Because I know, that I can love that way, so that means somewhere out there is my even if man:)

Columbus Blue Jackets

52 days until the Columbus first game of the season



less than 2 months left

So I decided that it is the right time for the countdown


And I've bought my Pepsi Max in Aluminum package

Don't get me wrong, Coca Cola, I think that cola light is in my blood, because I drink it every day, but, there is no cola light in aluminum in my country, so I have to buy Pepsi max instead

It is sort of my tradition, to drink it during the game:)))

I just looooooove that metallic taste

So, I'm getting ready for the season, therefore this can will live in my fridge for 52 days


Do you have any special rituals while watching the games?

We Will Win!!!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sometimes it is hard

Week ago I had an appointment with doctor, who told me, that according to my blood tests I must have been already half-dead and blind too

And then I broke

I've been keeping all that pain in me for a whole summer

And I broke

I cried like a kid in front of a doctor

Not saying anything, though

It had been like if all of those little things put down on me

Watching your dreams crushing into the walls for the whole summer

Watching the man who you thought was the love of your life breaks your soul in billion pieces with one single letter

Watching your old friends leaving, because they don't have no more time for you

Watching the job of your dreams being so close and not getting it

Watching every new beginning that you make to erase all of the negative thoughts failed

I guess it was too much for my mind to handle

And when a doctor tells me, that with a 99% probability you will not get my permission you simply want to jump off the window

because you have almost no plans left

That was a tough week for me

But yesterday it all somehow fell into the right places

Like the puzzle of pieces of my dreams and plans are not pieces no more but one clear picture

I myself looked through the blood test results and compared it with normal results and found out, that not a single line number there was not so high that the doctor could told me all of those awful things and almost double my medicine

This week I passed out several times because of those new doses, so I returned to my old ones and tomorrow I will go to the same doctor with the question WTF????Are you trying to kill me or what? but in polite and kind way

I got my "how to drive safely"-type book back out of my closet and started to read it again

Since this was my first summer, when I got absolutely no job (mainly because I don't have driver's license) I'm thinking about my old childish dream, when I wanted to work in a bookstore or in the post office. I always found it magical - dealing with letters. I myself have plenty of postcards and letters in my "all my sentimental things" box:)))Yes, I have boxes almost for every thing. Those letters are from Russia, from different parts of it, when we used to chat in Linkin Park Mirc channel and we sent postcards of our cities to each other and letters about everything:)in paper of course:)Now I'm still talking to only one friend from that channel and that is the girl with whom we were watching weird people buying French-fries in Swedish McDonald's :))) Yes, Jana finds something interesting even in McDonald's:)

I still have plans about getting my own bookstore, but not now, in 20 years probably, so that the whole family can work there. I already know how it will be decorated and how I will organize all theme-weeks, when I will be providing costumes for each costumer, so that if it is my Space week, the books about space will have huge discount and every single person must leave all of the things he took with him in a special room and get a spaceman costume or a space monster or etc, and the whole store that week will be looking like some planet, and there will be a special room for kids, where they can read and play and me, of course, will be like the old good granny, wearing some costume too:) This is probably my oldest dream. It will not get me money, I will surely spend much more than I will earn, but I'm hoping to sell some of my future patents and so that I can live as I want to without thinking about profit.

And today I had a dream

It was like if I was saying my last good bye to that person who broke my soul, I remember staying in my room, watching it for the last time and then I closed the door and went away with my lilac suitcase. It was incredibly stupid hoping that he will change his mind and understand what kind of a perfect person for me he is and I for him. I guess I had left him in that room, so that I can move on to the person, who will appreciate me and care about me and be completely honest with me. I sill think my The Only One is somewhere near:)

And we will have our little cozy bookstore and our 2 kids. Benjamin Ryan for the boy of course and now I got the name for the girl, that somehow stuck in my head, it is weeeeeeeeeeeeird, but it is Norwegian and it dot dot... Hjördis :))))

So it would be The Only One, Jana, Benjamin Ryan and Hjördis in our family:))) and at least one cat:)

I have American/Canadian name for my son, Norwegian name for my daughter, kind of Estonian name for myself, so I guess my The Only One must have been Finnish or Swedish:)))for the name symmetry:) *I still hope he is from Estonia, though

I'm good and I'm back

When hope is non-existent,
Our instincts all scream "Run",
We never turn our backs or even bite our tongues

Rise Against "Behind Closed Doors"

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Nature forces

Here is some information for you

Meet world physical map:

Like whaaaaaaat

Just look at those awful bright yellow dead territories

No significant forests, no significant lakes, no nothing good

Here is another map for you

Birth rate figures for countries:

And the last one

World population map:

Now the question:

Where on planet Earth are the fastest growing population countries and already countries with the largest population?

Yeeeeeap, right on the dead yellow spaces

And I don't understand why do they do that

We already have lost half of Africa, and yet they are producing babies like insane people and yet they deforest territories and yet they don't care about what do they do

And I'm not talking only about African people, but those white jerks too, who buy all of their animals, wood, oil, gold etc and don't really care how the got it

It is like our planet tries to push you into the right direction by showing "Look, I can not produce enough food for you, lets try to keep your basic instincts under the control and having not more than one child in the family on the territories that are deserted and have serious issues with providing even water."

But still they are killing their own children and planet because who cares about tomorrow, when I have my today


*You can learn from the Australian people



oh those ...

lets add some dramatic effects



I used to think those dot dot dot-s mean something

like, you know, something important, something you want to tell, but for some reason you are afraid or too hesitate to say it

"Jana...I have to tell you something..."

In my previous world that would mean something like: "I think I love you" or "I think I like you a lot" or "I'm dying" or "You are the worst person on planet Earth or maybe in the entire Universe!"



But in fact, now they don't mean nothing special

People use them with no apparent reasons

Maybe they simply love dots

Here you have:


Imagine how many triple dots you can create from my line of dots:))



So, sentence "Jana...I have to tell you something..." would probably have such an ending:

"The weather beautiful!" or "I've bought new shoes today" or "My antivirus requires my attention"


But I can't help myself, for me ... will always mean something more special

so, please, stop using it for expressing meaningless feelings

dot dot dot




Monday, August 8, 2011


I'm still thinking about moving to Mars


And I have some good news for me

We probably have some water there, yaaaaaaaaay

Hopefully I can swim there too

In some under-the-surface lake

PASADENA, Calif. -- Observations from NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter have revealed possible flowing water during the warmest months on Mars.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Oh yes they will prove you wrong

Yes, they will

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Rise of the planet of the apes

I should make it as my own tradition

To go to the cinema on Saturdays alone on the movie, that starts at about 19.30-20.30 (it seems to me close to impossible to find somebody for company)

Yesterday was my Rise of the planet of the apes evening

I looooooved that movie a lot

At first I was skeptical, that, well, another useless movie

But in the end, the only thing that I didn't like was the cast (they should fire casting director). Like coooome ooooon, only 3 persons were on their right places: dad (John Lithgow), adorable Franklin (Tyler Labine) and the angry boy (Tom Felton). The rest were like taken from another movie, but even that doesn't bother a lot, because of one simple fact, the lead role was saved for Caesar

Ahhhh, that ape

Lessons learned from that movie:

1. Apes are actually huuuuuuge

For example Orangutan:


add "Males can weigh up to 250 lb (110 kg) or more."

and you can get a killing machine

2. Humans are incredibly rotten (money, money, money, confidence in absolute superiority, money, selfishness, messed up feelings towards animals and nature and well more money)

3. Don't mess with the apes (they are more stupid that you are, but you never know, what can happen tomorrow)

4. Leave wild nature creatures to the wild nature (I do think, that any type of circus and zoo (where animals live in small cages and not in the great spaces) should not be allowed at all

5. I am afraid of the big apes as much as of yeti, but for the same reason: how can somebody so human like be not a human.


7. I told it once and I will tell it endless times more: animal testing should be banned

For example

you can always Google it "against animal testing"

*I even made a presentation in university about animal testing

**I have PETA stickers with the words: "Unseen they suffer, unheard they cry, in agony they linger, in loneliness they die" if you want it, I can give them to you

8. But really, hoooow they can look and act so much like a human and not being it???

You can read a lot of different reviews on this movie, but I suggest you to come and see it in the cinema

If you are already not afraid of the apes, if you are, then it will be a horror movie for you, because apes there are not fluffy puffy

You can call me weirdo, but I do think, that Tyler is a very handsome man (he is bit too big though)

Saturday, August 6, 2011


I decided that thinking positive will help me get the drivers license, so now I'm taking my attempts as a quest

*read it with the wizard-like voice

In order to get the license you must go to the family doctor

Family doctor will tell you, that you can not have it, unless your endocrinologist will approve your medical condition as stable

In order to have your endocrinologist approval you have to wait until November when may be (just maaaay be) you will get an appointment

So, as a quest hero, I have to find the legal ways to do those things faster

much faster

*read it with quest hero voice

In order to get a license, I need to visit my endocrinologist, who is not free at all, so I must replace my doctor with any other free doctor, with the same specialty

I had found the other doctor, and now i have to pay for the visit and then i will see her next Wednesday

Because she is not my doctor she only can read my medical card (digi-card), so it is my task, to explain to her, that why drunk people can have license and I can't only because I'm ill (and not like I'm dying)

So, that part of my quest will be done soon

It is like little adventure


In the bureaucratic sea

My quest hero evil "I'm-so-gonna-get-my-license" smile:

*my gray eyes can look sometimes not gray




Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I am not really sure is it sloth or not, but for me it looks like one

If you were not smiling while watching it, you are a robot:)))

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Randy Pausch - The Last Lecture

You know I am the die hard book worm

Sometimes I buy some book simply because I loved the cover of it

It was that kind of a random book from the shelf

I love balloons, I really do

So I read short summary about what that book is and I bought it

I'm still reading it, but I can say, that this book is the most purest book in the world

The last book Randy Pausch wrote before he died from the cancer

While writing this book he already knew he would die soon

But there is no anger in this book

Only sweet and pure memories from his life

Life lessons that he got from his parents and that he explored himself

I an not gonna retell this book, but it is really worth reading, if you are looking for a open hearted smile while reading

A lot of jokes, a lot of serious things

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer."

"The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. "

I often forget about the time, keeping in mind that I'm not the most healthy person in the world, that can cost me a lot

I'm always chasing some sort of a rainbow

I'm always falling in love with the people, who are not that into me and still I try to break their walls and get into their lives

But where is the point of when breaking the walls has a meaning and when it is just a waste of time?

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people."

I guess in some point you have to say:

"Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you."

I guess that was what I did


That book is not like "The Fellowship of the ring"

It has only 286 pages

But every single page is filled with happiness

"Find the best in everybody. Just keep waiting no matter how long it takes. No one is all evil. Everybody has a good side, just keep waiting, it will come out."

"You can always change your plan, but only if you have one."

"People are more important than things."

"Give yourself permission to dream. Fuel your kids' dreams too. Once in a while, that might even mean letting them stay up past their bedtimes."

"Engineering isn't about perfect solutions; it's about doing the best you can with limited resources."

"Too many people go through life complaining about their problems. I've always believed that if you took one tenth the enrgy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you'd be surprised by how well things can work out."

I love that book

One more broken dream?

Not yet, not yet

My doctor said, that with a high probability I will not get a permission to get drivers license, because I have diabetes


"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people."

— Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

I even have a window in my wall, because in that law there is such thing as: in special cases

In special cases the doctor can allow me getting my license

And as far as I know myself, I have always been a special case everywhere


So I'm planning to visit my endocrinologist and make it clear why I need my license and why she should let me get that


Wish me luck

I will need it

Monday, August 1, 2011

Bucket list

I decided to start creating my own Bucket list

What is Bucket list?

Bucket list

Basically it is the list of things you want to do in your life

I want to create my own list and have all of it done before I die (hopefully not from brain cancer)

But it would take hell of a lot of time to write it all down


Anybody interested in joining me?

I must be more interesting if you do it with somebody


Bucket list!!!

Houston, we have a problem

I just like that sentence

Houston, we have a problem

My brain hurts

Like a lot

And not like usually for a day and then it is all good

But for at least a week now, may be longer

I started to have some issues with coordination and with writing, I write not the letter I wanted to write, or I add some letters or I skip words without noticing or I forget to end the sentence or I use completely different word, it is like my writing ability lives its own life

What is wroooooooong?

This brain pain is not like usual sharp and quick

It is like if all of my brain was covered with some pain helmet

With very soft and gentle pain helmet

It hurts all the time but I don't really notice it, I just feel, that it hurts, but like thaaaats ookaaaay

I guess I have to go to the doctor

Hi, my name is Jana, and my brain hurts.


But I have to

Words of wisdom from House MD

We can live with dignity - we can't die with it